


There's A Storm You're Starting Now

by Ninyaaaaaaah



Series: If All Is Fair In Love & War, I Can't Do This Anymore [6]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, High Fantasy AU, Laflams, Lams - Freeform, Laurette - Freeform, M/M, NSFW, Oral Sex, Polyamory, Smut, Threesome - M/M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, can't we all just talk about our feelings?, hamlaf, no?, ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-20 13:46:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 33,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11922162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah
Summary: In which everything comes full circle.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fic title is from "Hurricane" by Halsey.

The morning after a storm always seemed the most beautiful to Lafayette. 

He rolled his shoulders as he padded barefoot across the cool, damp marble of the balcony, headed back to the bedroom. He cradled two mugs of tea in his hands, their warmth seeping into him. 

The sun was just coming up, dew sparkling like gold across the gardens. 

Lafayette paused for a moment, leaned against the sturdy rail, and just looked. Breathed deep and slow, whole body felt heavy, a relaxation that went a little deeper, and opened the door on the deep well of pain in the center of him. 

Just as John hurt so bad sometimes that he needed to be taken apart at the seams, so too did Lafayette.

Lafayette sighed, and picked the mugs back up, padded back to the bedroom and let himself in the glass double doors, quietly closed them behind himself with his bare heel.

The sun was just beginning to pour into the room, and Lafayette paused for a moment just to take it all in, caught again by the surreal feeling that all of this was still his, and he hadn’t felt quite like he fit in it, ever since he’d come home from the war. 

He no longer felt the need to scrub himself raw ten times a day, no longer felt like a caged animal in these walls, but he still felt like he didn’t quite belong, not anymore. 

Having John here helped. It helped a lot. 

The healer with the too big heart lay sprawled across the center of the bed, blankets twisted around his hips, sound asleep. His hair had come loose from the braid Lafayette had put in it last night, and spilled in haphazard curls across an emerald green cushion. The rising sun picked up the warm bronze of John’s skin, picked up the brown freckles that dusted every inch of his body, and the fading pink welts across his back from the riding crop. 

But he looked loose, looked relaxed, even smiled a little, in his sleep, and Lafayette was swayed all over again by relief and gratitude that John had trusted him enough to let him help him fight his demons in a way that didn’t leave John drunk and beaten at the hands of a stranger.

He loved John. He loved John with a depth and intensity he’d never known before. 

But sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder what a different face would have looked like against that emerald cushion, lit by the early morning sun, sprawled peacefully in this bed…

Tried not to think about it, because it was only his fault that he’d never gotten to find out.

Instead, he loved John. He loved John with an intensity that burned bright because maybe if he loved John enough, if he loved him the right way, if he gave him everything he could and more…

Maybe someday he could forgive himself. 

He set the mugs down on the bedside table, stripped out of his soft lounge pants, and climbed back under the covers, cool early morning breeze leaving him chilled. 

John stirred, mumbled something under his breath, and burrowed his face against a sapphire cushion. 

Lafayette’s heart ached. He didn’t want to think, didn’t see the sense in spending time dwelling on it when he knew Alexander was gone, saw it happen with his own eyes, gods, _felt_ it happen when his fingers slipped and the arrow left the bowstring with a deafening twang.

Hadn’t picked up a bow since he’d dropped that one in the dirt. 

Sometimes he just couldn’t get Alexander out of his head. Felt like he would drown from grief and guilt and blame and love… 

John was his life raft.

Loving John saved Lafayette, day in and day out. 

He turned to him now – hated to wake him, knew he needed his sleep after last night, but needed him now, needed to lose himself in something warm and alive and here or he’d drown in the endless loop of Alexander’s wide, shocked eyes. 

He brushed his fingers over the back of John’s neck, feather light. Shifted down the bed to press close along his back, stroked his hand down John’s side, kissed the back of his neck. Closed his eyes and just felt John breathe against him, slow and deep and alive. 

Had to swallow hard against overwhelming sadness for a moment. 

Mouthed at John’s neck, tongue sweeping over the soft skin there. He stroked his hand to the flat expanse of John’s stomach, fingers playing over his warm skin. 

“John, baby. Wake up,” Lafayette whispered, almost pleading. Scraped his teeth lightly over the back of John’s neck. 

John murmured softly, shifted a little in Lafayette’s arms. 

Lafayette stroked his stomach, down to his hip, up to his chest and worried at his nipple until it hardened between his fingers. Sucked on the back of John’s neck, tried to coax him softly into waking. 

“Nnn... Laf?” John mumbled, voice thick with sleep. Breath hitched as Lafayette’s hand stroked back down his stomach, fingers spread wide on the soft flesh of his lower belly. 

Lafayette nipped at the back of John’s neck, stroked his hand a little lower, brushed his fingers up John’s hardening cock. 

“Laf?” John whined, hips arching towards John’s touch. 

“I love you so much,” Lafayette whispered. The shiver that rolled through John’s body went straight to Lafayette’s dick, and he moaned softly, pulled John back against him, his cock nestled between John’s cheeks. 

“I love you too, Laf,” John’s voice, warm and breathy as he leaned back into him, sleepy sigh, wriggled his hips a little. 

Lafayette groaned softly, rocked his hips so his cock dragged between John’s cheeks, made John’s breath catch in his throat. 

Lafayette thumbed over the head of John’s cock, made him shiver again, so pliant, so responsive in Lafayette’s arms. It was one of the things Lafayette loved most about John, how very alive he was, how intensely he felt everything, how willingly he gave into everything he felt, even when it overwhelmed him, even when it made him shake. 

So Lafayette delighted in lighting him up, in tearing him apart, in digging all of those shivers and moans and howls out from under his skin. So Lafayette delighted in putting him back together again, kissing closed all the places that ached, over and over, something cathartic in it for him, too. 

So Lafayette kissed below John’s ear, caught his earlobe in his teeth and tugged, stroked his tongue up behind his ear. Whispered ‘I love you’ right into his ear, lips against cool skin, John’s full body shiver going right to his heart. 

So Lafayette pulled away, rolled over and grabbed the vial of oil and poured it into his hand. Stroked up his own cock and settled back between John’s cheeks, slick slide on warm skin as he rolled his hips gently, fucked John’s crack slow and teasing. Stroked his slick fingers up John’s cock. 

John inhaled sharply, squirmed back tighter against Lafayette and twisted to turn his head, caught Lafayette’s mouth in a sloppy, awkward angled kiss. 

Lafayette moaned soft and low in his throat, curled his fingers firm around John’s cock and started to stroke him as he licked into his mouth, stole the last warmth of sleep from John’s tongue as his hips rolled, slow and steady, slick glide making his breath hitch. 

John whined, and Lafayette smoothed his thumb over the head of John’s cock, sweet, honest touches, something fragile in the simplicity of it. 

Lafayette broke from the kiss to mouth down John’s neck. Bit him gently, and sucked the skin between his teeth. 

“Lafayette…” John breathed. He reached down, fitted his hand over Lafayette’s hand, fingers slotting together as Lafayette stroked his cock. Didn’t do anything else, just left his hand on top of Lafayette’s and let Lafayette stroke him. 

Lafayette made a soft sound, almost sad sound, in the back of his throat. Felt fragile, felt like it was him coming apart this time, some part of him miles and miles away, part that he could never coax back here, back home. 

So Lafayette tightened his hand and stroked John harder and faster. Bit down on his shoulder. Rocked his hips harder and faster. Tried to lose himself in John’s smell, John’s taste, the feel of John’s breath catching in his throat, his soft, hot body against Lafayette’s chest, cock slick and hot in his hand. John’s hand over his hand, steady and warm and soft. 

“Gonna come, Laf,” John panted, voice breathy and hitched. 

Lafayette tightened his hand. Stroked a little faster. Squeezed his eyes shut tight and ground his hips down, short, quick thrusts. 

John came with a loud moan, body shaking a little in Lafayette’s arms, come spilling over Lafayette’s hand as his cock pulsed and his stomach clenched. 

Lafayette bit down a little harder on John’s shoulder, moved his hand to John’s hip and tugged him tighter against him, cock trapped between their bodies, slick, hot drag of his cock between John’s cheeks. 

He choked on a sound that could have been a sob as he started to come, hips stuttering against John’s ass, come coating John’s lower back, between his cheeks, Lafayette’s stomach. 

Didn’t move for a long moment. Not until John twisted and petted his cheek, kissed his forehead.

“Laf?” He asked, softly, sweetly, blissed out and relaxed and here and real and Lafayette shook his head, wrapped his arms around John’s middle and squeezed him tight like he was afraid he would disappear. 

John just kissed him again, let his lips stay pressed against Lafayette’s forehead, and Lafayette tried to think about breathing, stroked his hand up over John’s chest and left is splayed over his heart, felt it beat against his palm. Wished he could take back a thousand things, but not this, never this. 

Wished for the hundredth, thousandth time that he could do right by John, that he could love him enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Exhaustion dragged heavy in Alex’s bones. 

He thanked the man who had let him ride on the back of his wagon the last few miles into the capitol city, grateful that he waved away any offer of payment, because the last handful of coin Alex had in his pocket was feeling just a little too light for comfort. 

He had nothing. Just a rucksack slung over one shoulder and the clothes on his back. One threadbare cloak, holes in his boots, a change of clothes, and a sloppily bound book of parchment. He’d used up his last nub of charcoal yesterday, and his fingers itched with the absence of a way to write. 

Standing in the city on hard packed dirt streets, Alex was overcome by a wave of exhaustion. He’d come so far, and for all he knew he still had so much farther to go. 

With every passing day it felt more and more impossible. 

But it was easy to throw everything away when you didn’t have much to start. It was easy to walk away when home didn’t feel like home, when everything was finally starting to settle and it didn’t feel like running away and abandoning his people by leaving. 

And sure, maybe he was chasing smoke. Maybe he was looking for a needle in a haystack. Maybe he was a fool.

But he’d rather be a fool and know, than stay home and safe and wonder forever what could have been. 

So here he was, a thousand miles from anywhere that could have felt like home, standing in the middle of the street in a foreign city, legs splayed, bones tired, shivering with the early fall chill in the air as the sun began to give up its grip on the sky and slide towards the horizon. He didn’t know where to begin. He didn’t have anywhere to stay, didn’t have money for an inn, didn’t know anything. 

Hunger gnawed at his backbone, and without a better plan, Alex began to walk. 

He walked through the narrow, dirty streets, shoulders slumped, feet aching.

Light and loud noise spilled out of a tavern to his right, raucous laughter and shouting. 

Better than nothing.

With a shrug, Alex stepped inside. He wove his way to the bartop – dirty and sticky with liquor – and wedged his way in between two men who shot him glares. He leaned in best he could without touching the bar. 

“Order?” The bartender leaned in, didn’t even look at Alex, not really.

“Do you know John Laurens?” Alex asked. 

“What?!” The bartender shouted above the din. 

Alex sighed. 

“John Laurens! He’s a healer?” He shouted back, struggling to be heard over the din. 

The bartender snorted.

“What this look like? It’s a bar not a finding service kid. Order or get out!” And he turned away, no help at all. 

Alex gaped, then gritted his teeth, huffed through his nose. Okay, so that didn’t work. Next plan. He turned, and a hand settled on his shoulder. 

Bristling, Alex froze. 

“Did I hear you asking after Laurens?” Rough voice, mean voice. 

Alex turned, eyed up the tall, gruff man who had his hand on his shoulder. Sported a fading black eye and was missing a few teeth. Looked like he’d like to wring something’s neck for fun. 

“Yeah.” Alex replied. Lifted his chin. Tried to look intimidating.

The man pointed at his fading eye.

“Fucker gave me this two weeks ago. Comes by here time to time. You a friend of his?” Dangerous glint in those pale eyes. Crooked grin on his face. 

Alex shook his head.

“Nope.” Didn’t think he wanted to be on this guy’s bad side. Couldn’t shake the grin from his face, the way his heart lifted and his whole chest felt suddenly light. John was here. John was here. John was here.

He was so close, after all this time, so damn close. 

But… 

How to find a healer in a city this size?

Alex’s grin turned to a smirk, and he eyed up the man again. There was one way…

Didn’t pause to think about it, just swung a fist blindly, caught the man in the jaw and felt at least two of his knuckles break. 

Got in one more hit before a sucker punch to the jaw laid him flat on his back on the floor. 

Got up anyways and threw himself at the man, and the whole bar erupted. Fists came from everywhere, and Alex tasted blood and his head spun and his whole body bloomed with pain and he fought back with all his might, kicked and punched and even bit some part of someone – couldn’t tell who or what body part – and had the fleeting thought that he may have miscalculated but then-

Pain.

Sharp and sudden and deep, deep, deep, and he gasped and the world went white and red and his head rolled loose on his shoulders and the only part of his body he was still one hundred percent sure of was the soft place in his side that someone had set on fire, and the pain was deep and it was sharp and then he was airborne, and then there was hard ground and scraped face and jarred shoulder and Alex couldn’t breathe and everything felt cold and far away, and then there were more hands on him, lifting him, arms under his shoulders, holding him steady, voices jumbled and far away and all over each other and Alex’s head fell forward, slack on his neck, and he was dragged off, feet stumbling along.

He was guided to lie down, world nothing but a blur, sharp pain in his side, so cold, so so cold. His teeth chattered and he could hear them, so loud, drowning out the voices, and he started to float away, buzzing in his ears…

Green light flared sudden and bright and it came up from _inside_ him, and then the world went black.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex woke up with that heavy, all over achey, bone deep exhausted, post healing feeling. 

He groaned, shifted gingerly even though he knew it wouldn’t really hurt, knew the knife wound in his side was just a memory now. Rubbed his face in the scratchy pillow. Swallowed hard. Unstuck his tongue from the roof of his mouth. Gods. What a stupid idea.

“Alex?” 

That voice- 

Alex’s head shot up.

“Gideon?” It came out more of a croak, but there he was. Taller, somehow still whipcord lean, face a little more defined. Alex stared, his heart hammering in his chest, mouth dry, felt like he couldn’t breathe at the sight of him. Felt like time stopped, couldn’t quite compute the memory in his head with the real, live Gideon sitting in a chair beside his bed. 

“Alex. How’re you feeling?” Gideon leaned forwards, scrawny wrists on his knees, looked more worried than anything, wary expression on his face, badly concealed, but there.

“I… fine- what- how- where’s Jothan?” Alex spluttered. The boys. Sunny afternoons sitting in the dirt with sticks, practicing letters. Basic arithmetic. Reading. Nostalgia heavy and hard to swallow on Alex’s tongue. 

“He’s out. He’s gone to- hang on. Hang on, Alex. I’ll get Peggy.” Gideon, all wide eyed, all overwhelmed and a little scared looking. Gideon, who always did his best to resemble a ghost, still skittish, still a half step from a tremble. 

He scrambled out of his chair and darted away. 

Carefully, Alex pushed himself up and sat back against the back of the bed, cold metal rails digging into his back. His side ached, everything stiff and sore and a little brand new feeling. 

He blinked around what looked like an infirmary, beds empty save for him. Everything a little small, a little close. Clean, though. Stark. Everything in its place. 

“Alex?” Peggy’s voice, softer than he remembered, warmer than he remembered, and there she was. A little older, a little more tired looking. She’d cut her hair, and it fell in ringlets to her chin. She’d filled out a little, lost that hollow, war zone look. 

“Hi,” He didn’t know what to say. Needed to swallow his heart back down from where it was pounding in his throat.

Peggy walked over, dropped carefully into the chair Gideon had just vacated, and just looked at him. Alex swallowed hard. Peggy bit her lower lip, and she looked sad and she looked worried and she looked a little afraid, and Alex couldn’t breathe and he wanted to know and he didn’t want to know-

“Oh Alex. It’s been so long…” Peggy reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair from his cheek. “When Joth came banging on my apartment door last night saying he and Giddy had found you in the gutter and you were bleeding out…” she laughed a little, choked sound, sad sound, hands trembling “…we have to stop meeting like this. What are you doing here?” 

Alex searched her face, needed something, needed anything. His heart only beat faster at the cautious way she spoke, at the trembling in her hands, at the wide eyed way she watched him back like she was waiting for something.

“What do you mean what am I doing here? I’m looking for John.” Wasn’t it obvious? Hadn’t it always been obvious? 

Peggy chewed her lower lip, and nodded.

“How did you get here?” She tilted her head, looked at him like she was actually seeing him for the first time. 

“I walked, mostly. I didn’t know where to go, once I got out of Va’an, and the first few cities I found there was no trace of him, so I figured I’d come here, start here, I don’t know.” Alex shrugged. 

Peggy lunged forwards, pulled Alex into a tight hug. 

Alex froze, shocked, before slowly returning the hug, felt good to hold someone, felt good just to see a familiar face. 

“We didn’t know, Alex. We didn’t know what happened to you. Where you were, if you were safe. I didn’t think we’d ever see you again.” Peggy let him go, held him at arm’s length. Shook her head like she didn’t quite believe what she was seeing. 

“I didn’t know, Peggy. I didn’t know where he was, how to find him.” Alex swallowed hard. Peggy had that look again, that sad look, that worried look, like there was something she knew that she wasn’t sure how to tell him and Alex wasn’t sure he wanted to know. “John? Peggy, where is he?” 

He was so close. So close. The past two and a half years, the frantic working to help his town stabilize, to restore, to rebuild, and then the searching. A year and a half, walking and searching and asking questions and getting nothing, getting nowhere except another night under a tree, or in a park, or at the side of the road. 

It was all about to be over, for better or for worse. 

“He’s- he’s here, Alex. He’s here. Joth went to find him. Alex… it’s been a long time…” Peggy’s tone turned hesitant, and Alex nodded, he knew that, he did, he knew some things wouldn’t be quite the same, that everything was different in peace time, and maybe John didn’t love him anymore, and maybe John didn’t want him, maybe he’d forgotten all about him, hadn’t Alex thought of all of these possibilities a hundred thousand times while he was lying under the stars, or walking in the rain, or sitting in the dirt at the side of the road because he couldn’t possibly walk another step…

But John had promised. He’d said forever. He’d said always. He’d said he loved him and love didn’t just go away. 

So Alex clung to that hope. Held onto that little flame through wind and rain and heat and miles and miles and miles of walking. 

Peggy opened her mouth to speak, reluctance all over her face, and didn’t get a chance to say anything because the door flew open and Jothan bounded in, cheeks flushed, talking a mile a minute, skidded to a halt.

“Alex Alex you’re awake thank gods you almost died you were bleeding everywhere I brought you John I got John-“

Whatever else Jothan said, Alex didn’t hear it, because there was John, breathless and undone, shirt untucked, hair loose around his face, cheeks flushed and breathing hard, flying through the doorway, and stopping dead at the sight of Alex.

Time stopped.

Alex stared at John, frozen, as John stared back at him like he’d seen a ghost. 

Peggy stood up quietly, ushered Jothan out of the room, and left them alone. 

Alex felt like he couldn’t breathe, felt like he was underwater, heart in his throat. Had imagined this moment so many times over the years, had yearned for it with an intensity that was downright painful, and now here it was and he couldn’t move, couldn’t think, and John was just staring at him with his mouth open and his eyes wide, looked terrified, looked like he wanted to run away, looked like he’d seen a ghost. 

“John…”

John crumpled at the sound of Alex’s voice. Dropped to his knees with his arms around himself and curled forwards, the howl of anguish that ripped from his throat piercing Alex’s heart. 

Alex threw back the blankets and scrambled out of the bed. Stumbled across the room on shaky legs and collapsed on his knees in front of John. 

“John?” He reached out, trembling, still mostly shocked, still mostly frozen, mind ten steps behind in the realization that it was happening, that the moment he’d been chasing for so long was finally here. 

Finally caught up when John reached out a hand and grabbed onto Alex’s wrist.

Alex’s breath caught in his throat at the way John’s fingers felt around his wrist. So real, warm and gripping tightly and real and here and Alex choked on a sob of his own and tugged at his wrist to try to pull John up.

“John, John come here,” He whispered, voice thick with unshed tears. 

And then John was in his arms and it all clicked into place and Alex was hugging him, hands tight in his shirt, and John was sobbing into his neck and clinging to him, and Alex never wanted to let go. 

It had been so long. So long and so hard and so lonely, and now here John was, a sobbing mess in his arms and Alex’s vision swam with tears and he shook as he clung to John and then he was crying too, sobbing John’s name into his hair over and over and over again. Couldn’t believe he was here, couldn’t believe he’d finally found him, after all this time, and he was here and he was holding him and now that he was here, now that he’d found him…

They stayed right there on the floor, locked together so tight they could almost have been one, until Alex’s throat was hoarse and raw and his face itched and burned from tears and his whole body shook and he thought he might actually pass out.

John pulled back just enough to look at Alex, tears still streaking his cheeks. Shook his head in disbelief. Cupped Alex’s face in one hand.

“You’re here. You found me…” He whispered, lower lip trembling, awe in his voice, those stunning hazel eyes still so wide, so wet. 

“I promised, didn’t I?” Alex laughed. Shaky laugh, full of tears, and John laughed too, smiled a little, stroked his thumb over Alex’s wet cheek.

“Yeah. Yeah. You did,” John’s voice was shaky, everything shaky, everything wet and blurred and Alex still couldn’t quite believe it was real, couldn’t quite believe he’d finally found him. 

There was a moment of stillness where they just stared at each other. 

Alex moved his hand to John’s hair, tugged him close, kissed him fiercely, felt John tense against him for a split second, soft ‘mph’ of surprise, and then John was kissing him back with a choked out sob, hands on Alex’s face, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

It felt like coming home.

Alex kissed John deeply, desperately, kissed him until they were both breathless and still shaking and he was a little dizzy with it all. 

Pulled back and looked at John again, just _looked_ at him.

“I love you,” John whispered.

“I love you,” Alex whispered back, kept his promise, wanted to say it a hundred, thousand times. 

John smiled a shaky smile, and Alex kissed him again, and John pulled back and smoothed his thumbs over Alex’s cheeks again, and laughed, little loose, almost hysterical, and then just shook his head and hugged Alex tight again. 

Alex closed his eyes and just melted into John’s embrace. Hugged him back, held him close, felt him breathing up against him, warm and solid and real in his arms.


	4. Chapter 4

Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex. 

John’s world had narrowed and screeched to a halt at the sight of him. Thin and pale and exhausted looking, sitting up in a bed in Peggy’s little infirmary, just as if he’d been there all along, just as if no time had passed. 

John looked at him now, his face cupped in John’s hands, tearstained and shaky and staring back at him with those wide brown eyes that he loved so much, that he’d longed for for so long, and now here he was and he was real and he was here and he was alive and he still loved him and he hadn’t forgotten and he’d found him just like he’d said he would and he was here, he was _here_ and John couldn’t do anything except cry and cry and kiss him and cry and hold him tight and he never wanted to let him out of his sight ever again. 

It was all too much to process at once.

John swallowed, kissed Alex again, revelled in the way it felt to have Alex’s mouth on his again, to have his tongue in Alex’s mouth, to have his hands on his cheeks and his body pressed against him. He’d stopped hoping. He’d started to live his life as if Alex wasn’t going to come back-

And here he was.

John pulled back again. Scrubbed his sleeve over his face and sniffled. Laughed weakly. Couldn’t believe this was really happening. 

“Shit, wait, fuck, you’re hurt?! Why are you here- you were in the bed, you’re hurt, what happened!? Where are you staying? Do you need somewhere to stay- you’re so thin, you’re thinner than you were when we met- how did you get here- why did it- mph.” John’s thoughts sped off in a million directions at once, and then he was stopped dead in his tracks, Alex’s mouth over his, kissing him again, stealing the breath from his lungs, and John couldn’t resist, couldn’t help it, just grabbed Alex by the front of the shirt and kissed him back hard, nearly started sobbing all over again. 

Alex pulled back, kissed him sweetly, smile a bright, watery smile. 

“There. One thing at a time, John. One thing at a time,” Alex’s voice quavered, and he looked shook, he looked out of it, fuck of course he did if he’d just had a healing. 

“Are you hurt?” John asked. Slid his hands up under Alex’s shirt to feel for injuries. 

Alex laughed, batted John’s hands away and caught them in his own. 

“No. Well. I was. Peggy healed me. I got stabbed in the gut.” Alex shrugged. 

“You got- who stabbed you!? What the fuck Alex,” John breathed. He squeezed Alex’s hands, still just couldn’t believe he was here. 

“I figured that would be the quickest way to find a healer?” Alex shrugged again as John spluttered in disbelief.

“You- you- Alex you _idiot_ the _healer’s college_ is here you could have just gone there. You got yourself _stabbed_ on _purpose_!?” John could feel himself getting hysterical, shrill note to his voice, just the thought of Alex getting knifed, Alex alone in the streets, gods what if Gideon and Jothan hadn’t found him in time.

“Well I didn’t mean to get _stabbed_.” Alex lifted John’s hands to his lips and kissed his fingers. 

John laughed, a little high pitched, a little hysterical, a little too close to just breaking apart. 

“You fucking _dumbass_.” 

Alex laughed too, a little shaky, a little out of control, and John kissed him again, never wanted to stop.

“Okay. Okay. Okay. Do you have a place to stay?” John’s head was spinning, felt a little dizzy, felt a lot overwhelmed.

“No.” Alex shook his head. 

“Okay. I have an apartment, you can stay there. Are you strong enough to go now?” John was suddenly aware that they were on the floor in the middle of Peggy’s infirmary, that she’d need to open soon, that they were in the way. 

Alex nodded, and it looked shaky and he was still pale and he didn’t look good but John just wanted to get him out of here. 

“Yeah. Yeah. Let’s go, get me out of here, take me home John, please take me home,” Alex pleaded. Looked small. Looked lost. Looked a little desperate, a lot raw, a lot sharp and fraying and hollow, hungry eyed. 

John nodded, swallowed hard, stood up and tugged Alex with him, steadied Alex with a hand on his elbow, then tucked him close against his side with an arm around his waist. 

Alex leaned into him, dropped his head to John’s shoulder, took deep breaths.

“You okay?” John asked, wanted to reach out with his power, wanted to make sure. 

“Yeah. Little dizzy,” Alex mumbled back. 

“Okay. Okay. It’s okay. Let’s get you home so you can rest. Peggy!!” John called. 

Peggy popped her head back into the room, and grinned when she saw them both on their feet.

“All good?” She asked, stepping into the room, Jothan and Gideon on her heels.

John smiled brightly.

“All good. Is Alex okay to go?” He wouldn’t take another healer’s patient away without their say so, not even if the healer was Peggy. Not even if the patient was Alex.

“Yep, so long as he rests today,” Peggy fixed them both with a no nonsense glare, and they nodded solemnly. “Then yes. You can go. Alex… I’m so glad to see you,” Peggy stepped forwards and opened her arms, and John let Alex go reluctantly so he could give Peggy a hug. 

Shouldered Alex’s beat up rucksack while Alex said his goodbyes, one armed hugs for Gideon and Jothan too, promises to return, kiss for Peggy’s cheek, and then he was back, tucking into John’s side, breathing a little hard from exertion, and John just wanted to take him home and keep him safe forever. 

“Okay, okay, we’re gonna go. We’re- c’mon Alex. Let’s get you home and into a real bed.” John felt all scattered, whole world shaken, just wanted to get Alex safe so that he could breathe a moment and process. 

What the hell was he going to tell Laf?

He guided Alex carefully out the door and down the street, walking slow, letting Alex focus on breathing, on moving. 

Suddenly didn’t know what to say. 

How did you cover two years of silence?

“Have you eaten?” John asked as they approached market square, the stalls already open, people bustling around, the whole world coming to life before his eyes as if he hadn’t just had his own world turned on its head. As if the very thing that tore him apart was tucked under his arm now, weak and shaking but alive and real and here. 

“No.” Alex murmured, arm tight around John’s waist. 

“Okay. Let’s get you something to eat. I don’t have any food in the apartment. Wait. Wait, no, you can barely stand. Let’s get you home first, I’ll come back down and grab some food. Yeah. Okay. Come on baby girl.” The nickname slipped out so easy, as if it was just yesterday, as if they hadn’t been apart at all, and he hadn’t meant to say it, hadn’t meant to, and he blushed and he felt Alex’s arm tighten around his waist and he had to stop and turn to look at Alex, and kiss him quickly again, and he still felt like he was coming apart, overwhelmed with the intensity of it all. 

“Home. Let’s go.” John swallowed hard, steered Alex through the crowd to his apartment, let them in, helped Alex up the stairs to his spotless, unlived in apartment. 

The bed was made up, everything tidy and put away, no sign of life here. 

John let go of Alex, watched him step into the one room apartment, watched him look around. 

Felt distinctly odd, seeing him here.

Alex turned, and their eyes met, and Alex laughed a shaky laugh.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening right now,” voice hoarse, a little choked, a lot shaky. 

John swallowed hard. Dropped Alex’s rucksack by the door and crossed the space between them, hugged Alex tight again. 

“Me either.” John whispered. 

They stood like that in silence for a long moment, just holding each other, just breathing. 

“Okay,” John pulled back. Took a deep breath. “Make yourself at home, anything you need, just help yourself. There uh, there isn’t much, but it’s all yours. I’ll go get you some food, do you need anything before I go?” John was still speaking too fast, mind running a million miles a minute in a million different directions and there was Alex in front of him like something out of a dream and he felt so fucking _raw_.

“Okay. I’m- I need a bath, I’m fucking gross.” Alex stared around, looked lost, looked out of place, looked like he didn’t know what to do with his hands.

“Okay. Towels are in there-“ John pointed at the linen closet “-I’ll get food. You start a bath. Don’t get in until I get back? You’re pretty weak still…” 

Alex nodded, and they stared at each other for a long moment before John snapped out of it with a shake of his head, and trotted out the door. Felt like he couldn’t breathe, heart in his throat, mind reeling. 

He trotted through the market square, bought fruit and pastries and realized he had absolutely no idea what Alex liked to eat, bought a bunch of things and hoped something would be okay, cheese and one of those cones of sugared, roasted nuts. Jogged back to the apartment with his arms full to bursting, and let himself back in. 

Alex was still standing in the middle of the apartment. He’d ditched his boots, tossed them next to his rucksack, and the bath was filling, and there was a towel waiting next to it, but Alex just looked so lost that it made John’s heart twist. 

He dumped his armful of groceries on the table and went to Alex, hands on his arms. 

“Baby girl? You good?” John leaned in, pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s forehead. 

“Yeah. Yeah. I am. It’s just… it’s a lot.” Alex kissed John softly, and John nodded.

“I know,” He said, voice soft, smile soft. “Food first, or bath first?”

“Bath.” Alex stepped away from John and turned off the water. Stripped and dropped his clothes where he stood. 

John couldn’t help but stare. 

Alex was thinner than he had been, all lean muscle, all rib bones, all spine and shoulder blades from behind. His hair was longer, too, falling just below his shoulders now instead of just brushing them. 

Alex climbed into the large tub, sank into the steaming water until only his eyes and the top of his head were above it, eyes closed, hair fanning out on the water’s surface around him. 

John still just stared. Stared and stared and stared at Alex in his apartment, in his bathtub. 

Stared until Alex opened his eyes and looked over at him, lifted his head just enough to speak.

“Come here?”

Sank all the way under. 

John grabbed a chair from the table and dragged it over with him, dropped into it beside the tub and stared at the top of Alex’s head. 

Alex resurfaced with a gasp and turned his head to grin up at John. 

“This might be the best thing that’s ever happened in my whole life,” He closed his eyes again. Hummed with pleasure. 

“Better than seeing me again?” John teased, couldn’t keep the smile off his face.

“Yep,” Alex didn’t open his eyes to answer. 

“Ass.” John dipped his hand in the water and splashed Alex’s face gently. Yanked his hand back out with a soft hiss. “Fuck that’s hot!”

Alex opened his eyes. Blinked sleepily up at John. Looked so small and so vulnerable like that, skin pink from the hot water. 

“Can I…” John blushed a little. Felt awkward. Felt like now he was the one who didn’t know what to do with his hands, “…can I wash your hair?”

Alex’s eyes went wide in surprise, and he didn’t move for a long moment. Sat up slowly, and nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.” Voice shaky like he wasn’t sure. 

John poured a generous amount of shampoo into his hands, dunked his hands quickly – how the hell was Alex _in_ that water- and lathered it up. His fingers settled on Alex’s scalp, and he took a shaky breath, closed his eyes, swallowed hard, and worked the shampoo into Alex’s hair with his fingertips. Relished the way Alex tipped his head back and leaned into the contact. Felt weird and tight and warm in his chest, and had to bite his lower lip to ground himself until he finished. 

Took his hands back, rinsed the suds off quickly.

Alex disappeared under the water again, came up rinsed clean. 

John sat next to him, watched him wash thoroughly, tried not to stare too much. Couldn’t help it when Alex pulled the plug and stood up, dripping wet, belly hollow, hip bones jutting, ribs sharp, white scar on his chest, and a new one on his left side, but still the Alex he remembered. 

Swallowed hard and stood up too. Picked up the towel and wrapped it around Alex when Alex stepped out of the tub. Didn’t know whether to pull him close or let him go and ended up just rubbing his hands up and down Alex’s arms until Alex stepped back, dried himself off with thorough strokes. 

John shook himself, went to the dresser and pulled out a soft pair of lounge pants and a soft sleeveless undershirt for Alex. Tried not to stare again as he pulled on the pants. 

Sat on the edge of the bed with a comb and a hair tie, patted the spot between his legs.

“I can braid your hair?” 

Alex froze. Looked at him. Something haunted crossing his face, pain, memories. Nodded after a moment and walked over, settled with his back to John, in between his legs. 

John worked the comb gently through Alex’s hair, set it aside, and worked his fingers through it, separated out chunks, and started to braid-

Remembered, abruptly. Sitting in a rickety cot in dim, flickering lantern light. Braiding Alex’s hair, fight and stubbornness still between them, everything sharp and rushed and so real. 

Had to take a deep breath before he could continue. 

Alex sat statue still, shoulders tense, barely breathing.

John braided Alex’s wet hair with shaky fingers, tied it off at the end, lump in his throat. Had given up hope that he would ever get to have this moment again, that Alex would be back in his life, so real, quiet and thin and subdued but real and alive and here, with his wet hair in John’s hands, dressed in John’s clothes, sitting on John’s bed… 

He dropped his forehead to Alex’s shoulder and slid his arms around Alex’s waist, loud sob escaping his throat. 

“Hey.” Alex twisted around. Cupped John’s chin in his hand. “It’s okay. It’s okay. We’re here now.”

John nodded, pushed the comb aside and scooted back on the bed so he could lie down. Opened his arms. 

Alex fell into them, pulled him close, and John buried his face in Alex’s bare chest, fingers tracing the scar there, tears soaking into Alex’s skin. 

“Hey, hey. I just bathed and you’re getting me all salty again,” Alex joked, but his voice was shaking and thick and wet and John laughed but then he just cried harder, and Alex was crying too, and John felt like his heart was about to explode. 

He pulled back, took deep breaths, tried to stop the flow of tears. Blinked through wet lashes at Alex and then he was laughing, and Alex was laughing too, and he didn’t know what was so funny but then there was Alex’s mouth and they were kissing again and John’s heart beat finally started to slow and he felt like he could breathe again, a little, and it was all just so _much_.

They stayed like that, just kisses and touches, tangled together on John’s bed. John lost track of time until the sun started to sink low in the sky, deep orange light painting the room, and Alex started to drift, eyes closing. 

“Alex. Hey, Alex.” John whispered. Heart beat in triple time. 

“Mmm?” Alex blinked at him sleepily. 

“I have to go, I can’t sleep here tonight, with you, I’m sorry, it’s- I- I just… I’ll come back in the morning, though, okay?” John whispered, tripped over his words, didn’t know what to say. 

Alex nodded, looked half delirious with exhaustion. 

“Okay, okay. That’s fine. Stay til I fall asleep?” He whispered back, body loose, words loose. 

John nodded. Kissed Alex’s forehead. 

“I can do that.”

Held Alex tight until Alex did fall asleep, then slipped out of bed and tucked him in soundly. Scrawled a quick note in case Alex forgot; _’see you in the morning! –John’_ , and slipped quietly out the door. 

Felt too raw, too much, too close to just breaking apart into a million little pieces, and he’d always blamed this on the loss of Alex, blamed grief, blamed guilt, blamed the waiting and the not knowing but now Alex was here and it was all so much at once, too much, and his emotions felt too big for his chest and what the hell was he going to tell Lafayette and he was still only a half breath away from crying again-

Paused in the peaceful, cobbled streets. 

Tried to take a steadying breath. 

Tried to do the right thing.

Looked towards Palace Row. Took one step towards home, towards Lafayette-

Turned around and walked the other way.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got bribed by heartlesslynx into posting this chapter ahead of schedule, with the sweetest piece of fluff:
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/11952066
> 
> You should probably go read it. Have a little smile before you read this chapter ;)

John stared down at the amber liquor in his shot glass. 

The world dipped and swayed. Everything blurred. He could breathe now, and his heart had slowed. 

He was drunk.

“Shit.”

He hadn’t meant to do this. He really hadn’t. Just wanted one drink to steady his nerves before he tried to talk to Lafayette. But one hadn’t been enough and neither had two and now he’d lost count and it was late and the whole room spun and he had Alex back now, he was supposed to be happy now, why wasn’t he happy now? This wasn’t supposed to still happen. He was supposed to be stronger now, have a safer outlet, go to Lafayette when he needed this and let Lafayette help. 

Here he was instead, and he felt like a failure and he tasted guilt on the back of his tongue but the liquor was hot in his veins and it also felt like relief and it felt so sweet and his thoughts finally slowed and he still wanted to cry but it wasn’t so damn close to the surface anymore.

He threw back the shot. Let it burn its way down, let it steady his nerves-

“Another?” The barkeep leaned over the counter, looked at him with sympathy on her face, and he nodded. 

She slid a new shot glass across the bar at him. Whisked away the old one. 

It was quieter here, bar close to empty, music playing in the back ground, no shouting, a little bit of laughter. Fine. John didn’t usually get drunk in Market Square because he’d be hard pressed to find a fight here, but he didn’t really feel like fighting tonight anyways, just didn’t want to think. 

Lifted the glass to his lips and tossed it back-

-

Fell through the front door and crashed into the wall. 

“Shit. Shhhhhh.” Hushed himself, none too quietly. “Okay. Okay. Close the door. Shhhhhh be quiet.” 

Turned around and closed the door. Struggled out of his boots. Fell over and knocked over the coat rack. 

“Shhh!” Hushed the coat rack angrily.

Maybe Lafayette would be asleep. Maybe John could just crawl into bed and he would never know. But not if the fucking coat rack kept falling over and making all that noise!

He struggled to his feet again, tripped down the hall. Shushed the side table as he passed it just in case it got any bright ideas to fall over too. Struggled up the sweeping stair case. Felt hot all over, skin prickling, little dizzy, little light headed. Just wanted to lie down, just wanted to sleep. 

Fell through the double doors of the bedroom and sprawled across the floor. 

“John?!” 

Shit. 

John pushed himself to his hands and knees as Lafayette got out of bed and knelt in front of him. The candles were still lit, and of course Lafayette was awake, of course he was. 

“Oh my love what has happened?” Lafayette reached for him, steady hands on John’s shaking shoulders, and the guilt set in and it turned his stomach and he hung his head. 

“Th’coat rack fell over.” John mumbled. 

“What? No, no sweet heart, I don’t care about that. What has happened to _you_?” 

Instead of answering with words, John’s stomach heaved, and he vomited at Lafayette’s feet. 

Lafayette sighed, and stood up. 

“Don’t move. Let me get you a bucket. Just… don’t move.” 

Lafayette disappeared, and John was left trembling on his hands and knees, head loose on his shoulders, swallowing hard against another wave of nausea. The weight of heavy disappointment in Lafayette’s words pressed down on his shoulders. 

Then Lafayette was back, helping John sit up, guiding him away from the mess on the floor to sit against the wall, bucket in his lap. Soft kiss on his forehead that just made him feel worse.

“There. Just sit here for a moment okay? Let me clean up, and then we’ll get you in bed. John, what happened?” Lafayette glanced over at John as he started to clean up the floor, brows furrowed with worry. 

John just shook his head, and threw up again. 

“Laf,” he croaked. Felt sweaty. Felt sick. Felt everything coming crashing back in again, too much all at once. “’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“It’s alright sweetheart. It’s alright. I don’t expect these things to magically go away.” Lafayette tossed the soiled cloths into a second bucket, and stood up. 

John shook his head again, spat into the bucket. Wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world forever. 

“Done throwing up?” Lafayette crouched in front of him again. John nodded, head loose. 

“Good. Let me rinse this?” Lafayette took the bucket from John gently, disappeared again. 

Came back, and helped John to his feet. 

John slumped against him, head on Lafayette’s chest, arms around his middle, and he felt so solid, so different from Alex, and oh god, he loved them both so much, he needed them both so much, and now Alex was here and he didn’t know and Laf didn’t know and Laf deserved better… 

John let out a sob of anguish, couldn’t keep the tears at bay, buried his face against Lafayette’s warm chest and felt small and guilty and not enough. 

“Oh my sweet thing, into bed, come on. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Lafayette helped John into bed, lay down and pulled him close, and John just cried and cried, shaking from the overwhelmingness of it all. Couldn’t get words out past his sobs and just clung onto Lafayette.

Lafayette held him tight. Kissed his head and whispered soft words of love and reassurance that just made John feel worse and worse and worse. 

He took a deep breath, shaky breath, tears still streaming down his cheeks. 

“Y’promised, Laf,” John slurred, nosing under Lafayette’s neck, shaking in his arms. Sheer exhaustion dragging him down.

“What did I promise, my love?” Lafayette’s voice, so sweet, so gentle…

“Y’promised.” 

Sleep stole him under, dragged him down into heavy blackness.


	6. Chapter 6

John woke with a dry mouth and a headache. Felt better than he knew he had any right to feel.

Felt awful, at the same time. Guilt and regret heavy and thick on his tongue. He groaned, and pulled the blanket over his head. Didn’t want to face the day, didn’t want to face Lafayette, didn’t know what to say.

“Little one?” Lafayette’s hand gently tugged the blankets back down.

“Laf…” John took a deep breath. Forced himself to sit up. Owed Lafayette that much.

Hell, owed Lafayette everything.

“What’s wrong my love? What has you so upset?” Lafayette asked. He was sitting up already, book in his lap, hair loose, just watching John with those soft, patient eyes, nothing but concern in his face.

John swallowed hard. Shook his head when Lafayette opened his arms to invite John in. Didn’t know that Lafayette would want to touch him, after this.

“I… nothing, Laf, nothing.” Chewed his lower lip, tried to steady himself, gather his thoughts.

“Then what, sweetheart? Please talk to me John, you were so very distraught last night.” Lafayette set his book aside and shifted to sit cross legged, hands resting on his knees.

“I… he’s back, Lafayette. He’s here, he came here…” John still couldn’t believe it was true, that it wasn’t just a dream, that Alex really was back, really was here. In his life. In the city. In his apartment sleeping in his bed.

Lafayette tilted his head to the side, then straightened like he’d been struck by lightning, every bone in his body snapping to attention.

“Your soldier? From the war?”

John nodded.

“Yeah, yeah. He’s here, Laf.” And John looked at Lafayette like he was begging Lafayette to save him, to say something that would magically make all of this work out okay, to show John that he wasn’t going to go back on his promise now that it was really here.

“But John, that’s wonderful news! Where is he?! Is something wrong? Why are you so upset?” And Lafayette was smiling, a bright smile, big smile, too brave smile, and John broke down crying all over again, shaking his head, reaching helplessly for Lafayette. “Shh, hey now, hey, it’s alright!” Lafayette gathered John close, and John hugged Lafayette tight, buried his face in Lafayette’s neck and gave in for a moment, sobbing his heart out. “John, John, baby breathe, sweetheart it’s alright.” Lafayette’s voice in his ear and his hands stroking his back, and John was struck by how absolutely incredible Lafayette was.

“Y-you, you’re not mad? You still- still want me?” John sniffled, took deep breaths, tried to pull himself together, had cried enough in the last day.

“John!” Lafayette pushed him back, held him tight by the shoulders and fixed him with a look. “Yes, I still want you. I love you, John. I love you more than anything in this world and if this soldier makes you happy, if he loves you too, then I see no problem with that, none at all. As far as I’m concerned he is welcome here, if that is what makes my John Laurens smile again.”

“Ohhhhh, Lafayette what if it all goes to shit!?” John wailed, and Lafayette laughed and hugged him close again, and John clung to Laf and tried to stop crying and thumped Lafayette on the shoulder for laughing at him.

“One step at a time my love, one step at a time. He is here. He is here and he came for you. I meant it when I told you I would help you find him, that I wasn’t ever going to ask you to stop loving him. I’ve known all along that your heart was big enough to love more than just me, and I love you all the more because of it. I promise.”

John sat back again, stared at Lafayette like he had two heads, and tugged the sheet up to wipe his face.

“You’re too good to me,” Breath shaky, voice shaky, felt all kinds of torn apart, hope blooming sudden and fragile in his heart. 

It felt too good to be true. It felt like holding glass in his hands and holding his breath so it didn’t shatter.

“Nonsense. Now get up, get dressed, and go get to know your soldier again. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine, and I’ll be right here when you get back. One step at a time John, I’m not going anywhere.” Lafayette leaned in and kissed John soundly, then shoved him. 

John laughed, couldn’t help it, Lafayette had such a way of making the things that felt so huge to John seem so easy. 

He got out of bed and started the bath, sure he stank of liquor and stale vomit. Heard Lafayette get up behind him. 

“I’ll get you some tea for your head. Come on Laurens, hop to it.” Lafayette smacked John on the ass as he walked by, made John yelp, made him laugh all over again. 

Then he was gone, and John still felt a little stunned, a little loose, a little too good to be true. 

He climbed into the bath and dunked his head under. Felt instantly more alive, more awake. Sat up again and there was Laf with a mug of willowbark tea, sitting on a stool beside the tub. John accepted the mug gratefully, smiled up at Laf.

“I love you so fucking much.” Felt like he had to say it.

Lafayette smiled, leaned over and kissed John sweetly.

“I know my love, I know. I love you very much too.”

John scrunched up his nose. Sipped his tea. Washed thoroughly. Felt a lot more human when all was said and done. 

Drank the rest of his tea as he dressed. Squawked a little when Lafayette plucked his shirt from his hands and tossed it aside. 

“What are you-“

“Honestly John. You can’t go see your long lost lover wearing _that_ shirt. You’re hopeless. Here.” 

Found himself pulling on a powder blue shirt instead. Tucked it into his breeches, and pulled his hair back into a ponytail. Spun around in a slow circle and made a face at Lafayette.

“Happy now?” 

Lafayette grabbed John by the hips. Pulled him close and ground into him a little, made John’s breath hitch. 

“Quite. You look exquisite. One last thing before you go?” Lafayette was grinning down at him, and John’s heart did a double take, hadn’t known it was possible to love Lafayette _more_ than he already did, but now this? 

“Of course.” John breathed. 

Lafayette gripped the back of his head and kissed him, deep and thorough, licked into his mouth, stole his breath away. Pulled back when John moaned, and grinned at him. 

“Something to remember me by while your soldier sweeps you off your feet.” 

“Laf!” John hissed. Grabbed Lafayette by the sides of his head. “I would never forget you!” Pulled Lafayette down into a fierce kiss, heart hammering in his chest. “I love you. I’ll be home tonight.”

Lafayette kissed John’s nose.

“I know sweet heart. I know. Take all the time you need, you’ve gone a long time without him.” Lafayette stepped back, let John go. 

John hesitated at the bedroom door. Turned back to look at Lafayette, already back in bed with the blankets over his hips, book in his hand. 

Lafayette raised an eyebrow and made a shooing motion with his hand. 

“Go.”

John nodded. Swallowed hard. Trotted down the stairs and shoved his feet into his boots and stepped out into the morning sun. 

Alex.

He was going to see Alex. 

Grinned from ear to ear, and took off at a run for Market Square.


	7. Chapter 7

Alex woke up in a rush. Sat bolt upright, unused to silence, unused to a real bed, disoriented. 

He blinked in the stillness. Looked around the empty apartment as he tried to get his bearings, tried to swallow the fact that he didn’t have to worry about where he’d stay tonight, didn’t have to worry about what he’d eat today. 

Sat in the middle of John’s plush bed, alone, still, and chewed over the fact that for better or worse it was over, and he had found a place to land. He had found John.

Didn’t quite know what to do with that fact. 

He got up and paced around the apartment. Small, but clean and in good repair. Stared out the window at the market below for a long moment before giving his head a slight shake, and peering into one of the paper bags John had dumped on the table yesterday. 

Blinked in slight awe at all the food. 

He reached in and pulled out a pastry. Bit in, and almost sank to the floor in bliss, eyes closing. Buttery, flakey pastry melted over his tongue, salty cheese and earthy, rich mushrooms… even cold it was divine. It was the best thing he’d eaten in his life. 

He inhaled it in three bites, then ate a ripe peach at a slower pace. Licked the juice from his fingers, relished the feeling of being well and truly full for the first time in weeks. 

Gods. 

He paced the length of the apartment again, then, with nothing better to do and for the sheer, unbridled joy of having the luxury to do so, pulled the pump and filled the bath tub again. Dumped in some scented oil he found in the closet – rosewood and cedar, and climbed in. 

He soaked until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, thoroughly relaxed, warm through and through.

Climbed out, dried off, and for the first time in his entire life, climbed back into bed. 

Didn’t even have time to wonder when John was going to reappear before sleep dragged him back down. 

-

Didn’t wake up again until the blankets lifted up, and John’s hand settled on his hip, and John’s lips kissed the back of his head. 

Blinking sleepily, Alex rolled over, and there was John, just like in a dream, wet haired and bright eyed and smiling at him. Real enough for Alex to reach out and touch, the backs of his fingers brushing over John’s freckled cheek. 

“I found you,” Alex whispered, in awe. 

“You’re here,” John whispered back, just as awed. 

Alex could think of a million things they should do, a million things they should talk about, all the lost time to catch up on, but all he really wanted was proof that this wasn’t a dream. 

So he dropped his hand from John’s cheek and found his heart beat through his shirt. So he leaned in and kissed him, soft huff of breath from his nose. So he shifted closer, fitted their bodies together, and felt like he’d come home. 

John moaned softly, slid his hand up Alex’s bare back and tugged him closer, hooked a leg over Alex’s hip, kissed Alex back, soft, slow, reverent. 

Alex wriggled closer, deepened the kiss. Slid his hand down to tug John’s shirt out of his breeches and slid his hand up underneath, against John’s warm, smooth skin. Settled over his heart again, fingers splayed wide. It felt so good to finally relax, to have John in his arms, to be safe and warm and clean and full and still loved, still wanted. 

He couldn’t remember a time he’d felt all of those things at once, and it was like the sweetest drug, nothing in the world he could want for that wasn’t right here within reach. 

Alex moaned softly, broke the kiss to kiss and nip down John’s neck, felt him shiver against him, bit at his collarbone, _wanted_ him with sudden intensity-

John put his palm in the center of Alex’s chest, pulled back, and Alex blinked in surprise, reminded again that there had been _time_ since they’d last held each other, that years had passed, that just because John was here now and there was still love between them, that didn’t mean things hadn’t changed. 

“John?” He asked, lips parted, still pressed tight to John from the waist down. Watched worry play across John’s expressive face and felt it echoed in the nervous twist of his stomach. 

“Alex… Alex wait. There’s something we need to talk about.” John spoke in a rush, looked pained, looked scared, looked like he wanted to run away. 

Alex took a deep breath, nodded. Shifted out from underneath John’s leg and wished he wasn’t naked and half hard with wanting John, knew from John’s face that whatever he was about to say wasn’t going to be something he’d like. 

“Okay…” Alex propped his head up on his arm, and waited. 

John rolled onto his stomach, bunched a pillow under his chin and squeezed the life out of it. Took a deep breath and looked like he was struggling to find words. Stared at the headboard. 

“Alex… there’s someone else. I have a lover.” John spoke in a rush. 

Alex felt like he’d been slapped. 

Just like that, his sense of peace shattered. 

“I’m sorry, what?” couldn’t have heard that right. 

Knew he did. 

Watched John’s eyes squeeze shut, watched his knuckles turn white on the pillow, watched him breathe sharply through his nose. 

“A lover, Alex. I have a lover.” He repeated, voice flat, voice shaky. 

Alex got out of the bed like he’d been stung. Grabbed a throw blanket and wrapped it around his shoulders. Really wished he wasn’t naked now. Felt suddenly trapped, felt like a fool, felt like everything was crashing down around him. 

Now what?

“A lover. Fuck, John!” Alex whirled, hurt making him angry. Wasn’t this just like his life? Shouldn’t he have known better? 

John was sitting up now, in the middle of the bed with his hair mussed and his shirt untucked where Alex had pulled it out of his belt, eyes wide. Looked worried. Looked hurt. Looked scared. 

“Yes, Alex…” John reached out a hand, something pleading in the gesture. 

Alex tugged the blanket tighter around his shoulders, staring down at John incredulously. 

“How long?” Didn’t want to know, had to know. 

“Six months.” John’s head hung, wouldn’t even look up and look at Alex’s face while he was tearing his heart out. 

“Six months.” Alex cursed, paced a small circle again. “You mean I’ve spent the last year and a half of my life looking for you, trying to find you, scouring two countries for any sign of you, and you’ve been here this whole time, not caring, not looking, fuck, fucking your new lover!? Fuck this, John!” 

Knew the words were unfair even as he was spitting them into the cool air, couldn’t help it. Felt sick to his stomach. 

“Alex-“ John rose up to his knees, tried to interject, hurt all over his handsome face.

“Shut up John. Why the fuck did you wait this long to say something, huh?! Let me get a taste of what I want _so much_ just to take it away again!? How is that fair, John?” Alex felt blind with pain and anger, shook with the force of it. 

Had lost John once, and spent two and a half years trying to get him back. 

Held all the promise of what could have been in his fingertips for a matter of hours before it was snatched away from him. 

“Alex listen to me, I'm not taking anything away!” John shouted, jumped up from the bed and walked over. 

Alex backed up until his back hit the wall.

“Don’t fucking touch me John!” 

“Alex, for fucks sake would you _listen_!?” John stopped a few feet away, hands clenched at his sides.

“Why, John!? If you didn’t want me anymore you should have just said so yesterday!”

“Alex! You’re not being fair! I didn’t know if you were _ever_ coming! I didn’t know if you cared, if you wanted me anymore, if I’d ever see you again, but I never stopped loving you, I never stopped missing you, I’ve wanted you back so gods cursed much this entire time but you can’t expect me to stop my whole life and wait on a maybe!” John was shaking too, white knuckled, wide eyed, looked like Alex had slapped him. 

“I did! I could have had other lovers and I. Chose. Not. To. Because I made a promise to you, it was never a _maybe_ , John!” Alex paced a small circle again, wanted to tear at his hair, felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“So you’re better than me, okay!? You’re stronger, whatever, I’m shit, I’m not good enough, for any of this, don’t you think I don’t know that?!” John stuffed his shirt back into his breeches, fixed his belt. 

“That’s not what I said! You chose someone else over me!”

“You. Weren’t. Here!” John threw his hands in the air and stalked to the door. “I missed you so much it was killing me and you. Weren’t. here!”

“So now that I am you’re going to walk out on me? Run away? Where the fuck are you going John, back to your new lover? Funny way to show you missed me!” Alex wanted to scream, wanted to do anything at all to stop John walking out the door. 

Pushed him out it with angry words instead. 

“What else am I supposed to do Alex, when you won’t even listen to me!?” John yanked the door open. 

Alex’s heart shattered. 

The door slammed shut. 

“I was a fool to think you’d stay!” Alex screamed at the closed door, all shaking, all falling apart, watching the last good thing in his life walk out on him. 

He walked to the door, shoulders slumped, all the fight leaving his body in a rush. Let his forehead drop against it, and sank to the floor. 

-

Outside, John stood in the stairwell, shaking with pain and anger. Wanted to run back to Lafayette’s arms. Wanted to run to the nearest bottle of liquor. 

Swallowed hard, and did neither.

Let his head thump back against the door, and sank to the floor, all the strength flooding out of him. 

Now what. 

_Now you fight for it, Laurens. For once in your damn life grow a backbone and fight for what’s yours._

Right.

But how, when Alex wasn’t even hearing him?


	8. Chapter 8

Hours passed. 

John sat in the stairwell, leaning against the door, just breathed, just tried to calm himself, gather his thoughts, cool off and let the sting of hurt and anger fade enough that he could walk back into that conversation with a clear mind and a steady heart. 

Wasn’t running away, wasn’t going fucking anywhere. 

Finally, lifted his hand and banged his fist on the door wearily.

“Alex?”

-

The knock on the door right next to his head startled Alex. He swore softly, and turned around. Sat back on his heels with the blanket twisted around him, and opened the door. 

John fell backwards into the room and landed right in Alex’s lap, made Alex sit down with a soft ‘oof’ of surprise.

“John?”

“Alex?”

“Why are you on the floor?” They both asked at the same time. 

Alex shrugged, looked down at John and didn’t have the heart to push him off his lap. Still smarted from the shock a little, but had calmed down considerably. 

“I wanted to chase after you but I didn’t think you’d want me to, and I’m naked. So.” He shrugged again. “You were right there the whole time?”

John nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m not leaving, Alex. I want you, I love you, I mean it, and I want to talk this out, make it work somehow. I didn’t choose him over you, I love you both. Equally.” John stared up at Alex imploringly, sprawled on his back in Alex’s lap. 

Alex swallowed hard. Bit back a retort, knew he reacted with venom when he felt hurt and threatened, and didn’t want that, didn’t want to fight, didn’t want to push John away. Brushed a stray curl from John’s forehead with trembling fingers instead.

“I’m sorry, John. I said a lot of stuff I shouldn’t have said. I got scared, I thought you were telling me this was over. I just… good things never last, not for me, and you caught me off guard and it hurt.” He swallowed his pride. Closed his eyes for a second. Felt John, solid and unmoving in his lap, and hoped to gods he could make it right enough. 

“I’m sorry too, Alex. I… there’s no easy way to go about this, and I should have told you sooner but this is all so overwhelming, and I know what I want but I’m so scared because I don’t deserve it.” John closed his eyes as he spoke, brows furrowed, mouth tight at the corners. 

“Hey. Don’t say that, you deserve everything your heart desires, John.” Alex looked down at John in his lap, and felt like a fool for shouting, felt like the worst person in the world for pushing him away. “Okay. So you have a lover. Tell me how this works, then?” He was skeptical, he still hurt, smarted from the shock, but wanted to listen, wanted to find a way to make it okay.

Losing John once was enough.

“It does. Somehow. It has to.” John responded, looking up at Alex. He reached around and wrapped one arm loose around Alex’s waist, and that simple gesture went a long way towards reassuring Alex. 

Alex nodded. Toyed with one of John’s curls. Watched his face.

“He’s known about you since before we really even got together. I, uh. I’ve been a bit of a mess, to be honest. It’s been so hard not knowing, Alex. So yeah, he knows. He told me he’d help me find you, he told me he sees no reason I can’t love you and him, because hearts weren’t meant to only love one person, or something like that. Anyway, the point is, he knows, he’s known all along, he knows you’re back, and it’s alright.” 

Alex blinked, brow furrowing slightly. 

“Uh… that sounds fake, but okay.” 

John huffed a soft laugh and squeezed Alex’s middle. 

“That was my first reaction too.” He admitted. 

It felt so good to see John smile.

Alex tugged at his curl gently. 

“So like… do we set up some sort of schedule, or?” Alex scrunched up his nose, trying to get his head around the idea. 

John shrugged.

“I don’t really know. I guess so? I’d like you to meet each other, eventually. I mean, if you want to. If you’re okay with all of this. Are you?” John gestured vaguely with his free hand, and the look he gave Alex was so open and vulnerable that it broke Alex’s heart a little. 

“I… I think so. I mean… it’s a lot to process. But it’s not really fair of me to have expected you to just sit around waiting without any word. The years passed for you too, and the war ended so messy, for a lot of people, so…” He shrugged, a little helpless, a little lost. “I don’t blame you for that, and I’m sorry I yelled about it, that wasn’t fair.” 

John sagged a little in his lap, tension starting to leave his body, and he reached up to cup Alex’s cheek with his free hand. 

Alex leaned into the touch, closed his eyes for a minute. 

“You can think about it, it’s okay. I know it’s a lot. It’s a lot for me too, all of this is. I just… I wanted you to know.” John offered, voice soft. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I need to. I love you, I do. I just… it’s a lot.” 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

They lapsed into soft silence, John’s hand warm on Alex’s cheek. 

After a long moment, Alex grinned. Opened one eye and looked down at John. 

“What?” John asked, couldn’t help but grin back.

“…does this mean we can have threesomes?” 

“Alex!” John swatted him lightly, and then they were both laughing and it felt so good. “Come on, let’s get out of here. Let me show you around a little bit?” 

Alex nodded, let John up and then stood up himself too. 

“Yeah. That sounds really good.” Alex exchanged his blanket for clothes, and was just finishing buckling the belt on his breeches when John’s arms slid around his waist and his chin hooked over his shoulder. Alex smiled and turned his head, nose brushing John’s nose. 

“I know you need time, need to think on it, but… is it okay if I kiss you right now?” John asked, voice low and breathy. 

Alex swallowed hard. Took a deep breath. Nodded, and turned around to drape his arms over John’s shoulders. 

“Please,” He whispered back, let John pull him close. Let John fit his mouth over his, and kissed back, slow and sweet and full of love. 

Alex melted against John, let all his worries melt to the back of his mind and just basked in the way John held him, the way John licked into his mouth and kept him close with a hand on the back of his head, the love obvious in every touch. 

John broke the kiss. Leaned his forehead against Alex’s and smiled softly. 

“I’m so glad we have a chance to figure this out. I’ve missed you so much.” He kissed Alex again. Soft. Sweet. 

“Me too.” Alex felt like his heart might burst, and knew there had to be a way to make this all work out. 

“Ready?” John threaded their fingers together, and Alex nodded. 

“Ready.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was late and that the next chapter will be late too :((((((((((

John gave Alex’s hand a squeeze as they headed back to the apartment, the sun setting low on the horizon, early fall air chilly. Alex was shivering, unused to the cold, so John wrapped his arm around his shoulders, pulled him close. 

The afternoon had been surprisingly pleasant, given the way their day began. 

John had taken Alex around the market, browsed the artisan shops. Artful jewellery with shiny stones, clothing merchants, leather workers, and more. They poked around the food stalls, had sausage stuffed pastries and grapes for a lunch stretched out in the grass. Wandered through the palace gardens and just talked, got reacquainted as they wound their way down manicured paths. 

John showed Alex the infirmary where he worked, and the palace fencing and archery courts, and then they stretched out in the sun in the commons and chatted the afternoon away. 

John felt relaxed. He felt glowy and happy and hopeful, like maybe there was a way to make this all work after all. 

Alex leaned into him, slid an arm around John’s waist and pressed close, still shivering. 

“We’re almost back. Does it get this cold where you’re from?” John rubbed Alex’s arm, hoped to give him a little more warmth.

“Sometimes, in the middle of winter. Not much more than this though,” Alex glanced at John, smiling softly. Looked relaxed, open, calm. John loved him like this, when he let his guard down and was just himself – bright, affectionate, curious. 

“We’ll get you some warm clothes, then. It gets much colder here.” John gave Alex’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, and turned into his doorway. Fumbled his keys out and unlocked the door one handed, and followed Alex up the stairs.

“It gets _colder_? What am I doing in this gods cursed country again?” Alex turned back to John, and he was grinning, and John laughed even as his heart skipped a beat. He closed the distance between them, caught Alex by his hips and tugged him close, pressed their foreheads together. 

“I’ll keep you warm,” he whispered. Pressed a slow, heated kiss to Alex’s mouth. Felt Alex melt into him, kiss back, part his lips for John’s tongue. 

John moved one hand from Alex’s hip to the back of his head, held him into the kiss like he was afraid he’d disappear. Still couldn’t really believe he was here, in John’s arms, kissing John back. 

Wanted to lose himself kissing Alex, forever. 

He pulled back, allowed a breath of air between them, searched Alex’s eyes for a sign that this was actually alright. 

“D’you…?” 

“Give me time? I’m sorry John, I just…” Alex looked sad again, looked lost, looked scared. 

John nodded. Kissed him soft and sweet. 

“Of course. All the time you need, I’m not going anywhere.” Unconsciously echoed Laf’s words from earlier. 

Alex nodded, and tucked his head against John’s shoulder, pressed close, arms around John’s waist. 

John closed his eyes, swayed a little, relished just having Alex in his arms. 

“Do you want me to stay the night?” John pulled back a little after a long moment, didn’t really want to break the contact between them, but wanted to check in with Alex, wanted to make sure he felt it down to his bones that John was going nowhere. 

Alex shook his head. Kissed John quickly and smiled a small smile. 

“No, it’s okay. I think I need some time to think. Come back in the morning?” 

John nodded. Kissed Alex’s nose. 

“Of course. I know it’s a lot to absorb. I have to work tomorrow, but I’ll come by before?” 

“Okay.”

John closed the distance for another long, lingering kiss, then pulled back slowly. 

“Get some sleep baby girl. There’s more blankets in the cupboard if you need them, and I can send Clara down to start a fire for you, if you want?” John nodded at the empty, clean fireplace. Neat stack of wood beside it. 

Alex gave him a funny look. 

“I can do it…” 

John frowned. 

“Uh… you can? But I can send Clara, it’s not a big deal…” he looked over at the clean grate again, and blinked. Would never even have thought to do something like that himself. Looked at Alex again, realizing for the hundredth little moment that day how different their lives were.

“No, don’t. I’ll do it, it’s alright.” Alex pulled John in for one last kiss, and stepped away. “Go home, John. I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

John watched Alex, mixture of longing and affection and worry heavy in his chest. 

“Okay. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight John.”

-

John realized how tired he was when he stepped outside into the crisp night air. He locked the door behind himself, and started for home, letting the chilly air wash over him, clear his thoughts, settle his heart. He wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a week. 

He let himself in and padded up the stairs, found Lafayette right where he’d left him, lounging in the many pillows and cushions in the bed, reading a book. 

“Did you move at all today?” John stripped off his shirt and kicked the double doors closed behind him with his heel, shucked off his breeches and climbed onto the bed. Felt suddenly needy and crawled right into Lafayette’s lap, straddled his hips and tucked his head under Lafayette’s chin. 

“I did, my love, I am just back where I started. Are you alright?” Lafayette set his book aside and wrapped his arms around John, kissed the top of his head.

“Yeah.” John closed his eyes, nuzzled closer, needed the safety and security of Lafayette’s love to temper all of the rawness he felt with Alex. 

Lafayette stroked his hands up and down John’s back, slow and smooth. 

“How did your day go?” He asked, voice soft. 

“I told him about you,” John kissed Lafayette’s neck, slid his arms around him and clung on tight, loved how solid and warm Lafayette felt against him. “That… didn’t go great, at first. We had a bit of a fight, but then we talked it out a bit. He didn’t want me to stay over tonight, said he needed some time to think.” John shrugged a little, felt helpless, caught between hope and fear, hated having to wait. 

“It must have been a shock, to him. You and I have had the advantage of having months to think about this possibility, and he has not. Plus a new city, as well as having you back… all of those things are a lot on their own. Let him process a little bit, and when we are all ready, I would love to finally meet him.” Lafayette’s voice was steady and reassuring. “How are you feeling, though, sweet heart?” 

John hugged Lafayette a little tighter, didn’t know what he would have done without him as a voice of reason.

“I’m okay. It still just feels like… it’s a lot. It’s overwhelming. But I’m hopeful. It was nice to spend the afternoon just showing him around, just getting to know him again.” John tapped his fingers on Lafayette’s chest as he spoke, breathed in Lafayette’s scent, let himself melt into him. “How are you feeling about all this, Laf?” John pulled back and looked up at Lafayette, wanted to make sure he was okay too. 

Lafayette smiled down at him, the picture of confidence and relaxation. 

“I am fine, my love. I am happy for you, and curious about him, and confident that we will find a way to make this harmonious.” Lafayette brought one hand up to cup John’s face, thumb stroking across his cheek. “You faced a lot today, John, and came home to me sober. I am so, so proud of you.” Lafayette leaned in and kissed him, deep and full of love. 

John’s heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest, tears threatening at the depth of love in Lafayette’s voice, in his kiss. 

Lafayette rolled them over smoothly, pressed John down into the bedding and settled between his legs, licked into his mouth, coaxed a low moan from John’s throat. 

John arched up into Lafayette, felt warm and glowy and a little overwhelmed, but knew he was safe, knew Lafayette would take care of him. 

Lafayette pulled back, looked down at John for a long moment, and John could have stayed there forever, lost in the endless love in Lafayette’s gaze. 

“You are so brave,” Lafayette whispered. Leaned down and kissed John again. “So strong,” whispered right against his mouth. 

John trembled at the praise, wanted to cry, wanted to cling onto Lafayette and never let go, felt again like he was coming apart at the seams, everything too much, too intense, and here Lafayette was praising him for just holding on tooth and nail. 

Lafayette kissed down John’s neck and chest, stroked his hands flat down John’s stomach as he nipped the sensitive skin there, sucked a deep bruise over John’s left hip bone, and lay his cheek against John’s thigh, looked up at him as he ran a finger up the length of John’s hardening cock. 

“Such a good boy, John.” 

John’s blood heated at the touches, the words. He stared down at Lafayette, lips parted, went to reach for him, wanted to touch his face-

“No. Hands under you, leave them there,” Lafayette commanded gently. 

John inhaled sharply. Nodded. Slid his hands under his lower back, shifted his hips, sat down on them, hands trapped between his body and the bed. 

“That’s it, good boy,” Lafayette murmured. He stroked his finger back down John’s cock, watched his face. 

John’s breath caught in his throat and he swallowed hard, fingers itching to touch, trapped underneath him, threw him into a battle of wills against his own self, hip bones verses hands, as Lafayette lazily dragged his finger tip up and down John’s cock, just touching, just stroking, head pillowed on John’s thigh. 

“You are so perfect, such a good boy, John…” Lafayette’s voice was soft and heavy with love. He dropped his gaze from John’s face to his cock, made a soft sound of pleasure when it twitched in response to his words. 

John tried not to squirm, tried to hold still, tried to live up to Lafayette’s praise. Grew desperate and needy under his soft touch, focussed attention that wasn’t nearly enough. 

“Laf, Laf please,” John panted, arched his back and dug his fingers into the sheets just to force them to stay there. 

“Shh,” Lafayette chided softly. 

John whined, loud and wordless.

Lafayette paused, finger lifting to hover just above John’s desperately hard cock, and fixed John with such a pointed look of exasperation that John blushed and bit his lower lip, fidgeted and tried not to whine under the intensity of Lafayette’s gaze. 

“Thank you,” Lafayette curled his fingers around John’s cock and stroked his thumb back and forth across the hot, silky head, damp with precome. 

John choked on a moan when Lafayette slid his hand down to the base of his cock and swallowed him whole in one quick motion. He pushed his hips back and down so that he didn’t force them up into Lafayette’s mouth, tried to be quiet, tried not to beg and plead and whine. 

Trembled with the effort, breathed hard through his nose as Lafayette pulled back off and swirled his tongue over the head of John’s cock, then swallowed him whole again. 

John closed his eyes, gripped the sheets tighter, couldn’t help but squirm just a little. 

Lafayette bobbed his head, slick sounds of John’s cock sliding in and out of his mouth deafening in the silence, gripped him tight at the base, long fingers holding him steady as he pulled back again to flicker his tongue over John’s slit with delicate kitten licks, then swallowed him down again with hollowed cheeks and a low moan of delight. 

John curled and uncurled his fingers in the sheets, ached and ached to touch, to move, was panting now with the effort of keeping himself restrained and the deliberate way Lafayette was coaxing his orgasm to the surface, pleasure and heat building tight and intoxicating in John’s belly. 

He moaned loudly, tossed his head from side to side and bit back Lafayette’s name, held it on the tip of his tongue like a spark and kept his teeth tight on his lower lip to prevent it from escaping. 

Couldn’t help but tip his hips up and rock them gently, just a little, as he got closer to coming, arched up off the bed, so close, so close, so goddamn close-

Swallowed a strangled cry of anguish when Lafayette pulled off and left him wet and wanting, the warm air in the room cold after the silken heat of Lafayette’s mouth. 

“Toss me the oil, love,” Lafayette murmured. 

Licked right from John’s balls to the head of his cock and made John jerk and whine.

John twisted, reached up and grabbed the oil from the bedside table and handed it down to Lafayette. 

Lafayette slicked up his fingers, corked the vial, and kissed from the head of John’s cock all the way down the length, nosed at the top of his thigh until John took the hint and shifted, spread his legs apart and settled again, hands under his back, pressed flat to the warm sheets. 

Lafayette hummed in appreciation, and stroked the flat of his tongue over John’s hole. 

John cried out, couldn’t help it, and tipped his hips up, gave Lafayette more room. Arched his head back and let his mouth fall open, panting. 

Lafayette swirled his tongue over the tight muscle, over and over until John was trembling, couldn’t keep the whimpers from his throat. 

Lafayette reached up, curled his fingers back around John’s cock and stroked him almost lazily, absent mindedly. Changed from slow, sweet, swirling tongue to careful licks with the tip of a pointed tongue, slowly coaxing John relaxed and open until he was poking the tip of his tongue inside John, fucking it further and further in with quick movements. 

John dug his fingers into the sheets, twisted and held on, never wanted this to end, and wanted to come right now. 

Lafayette slid a finger in alongside his tongue, and John choked on another loud moan, clenched around him for a second before relaxing, eyes rolling back in his head at the exquisite drag of Lafayette’s tongue and finger fucking him, quick and gentle, fingertip finding his prostate and stroking over it with every thrust until John’s cock was dripping in Lafayette’s fingers. 

“Laf, Laf, please I need your cock, please fuck me,” forgot he wasn’t supposed to be begging until Lafayette froze, tongue and finger pressed deep, fingertip pushing torturously right against John’s prostate. 

“Lafayette!” John cried, tossed his head, forgot how to breathe for a second there, felt like Lafayette had set him on fire. 

Then Lafayette’s hand started moving again, pumping his cock hard and fast, tongue and finger still motionless inside him until John’s hips started to rock, couldn’t help it, cock twitching in Lafayette’s hand as he teetered right on the edge of coming-

Lafayette’s fingers clamped down hard on the base of his cock and stopped his orgasm in its tracks. 

“Lafayette!” John sobbed, tears spilling over and tracking down his cheeks into his hair, felt like he was going to fly apart into a million pieces, felt on fire, felt like he didn’t fit inside his skin any more, everything too much and too big and too intense. 

Lafayette slid a second finger into John, started pumping them in and out again, scissoring, stretching, tongue lapping at his sensitive rim, finger tips stroking his prostate, over and over, and his other hand firm around the base of his cock, choking off any possibility of coming. 

John’s fingers trembled in the sheets, held on tight so that he wouldn’t let go, whimpered and sobbed and gave up on even thinking about being quiet. 

Just when he thought he couldn’t handle anymore, Lafayette pulled back, slid his fingers carefully out and gave John’s hole one last flat-tongued lick. 

Lafayette moved back up John’s body, kissed and nipped and sucked, left little bruises on ribs and chest, let his short trimmed facial hair drag across John’s skin. 

“Please Laf, please, please, you said I was good, please fuck me, I need you,” John panted, breathless and falling apart with need. 

Lafayette kissed John’s salty, tear stained cheek. 

“You are so good, baby boy. I love you so much,” Lafayette whispered. Slid his cock into John’s hole with a gentle roll of his hips as he said it. 

If Lafayette hadn’t still had his hand clamped tight around the base of John’s cock, he would have come right then and there. 

Shifted to lift one hand to Lafayette’s hip, and Lafayette went perfectly still again. 

“Did I tell you you could move that?” Lafayette asked, warning in his voice. 

John shook his head, sobbed loudly in protest, and stuffed his hand back under his body. 

Lafayette pecked a soft kiss to John’s check. Grabbed his leg and hiked it up over his hips. 

John took the hint and wrapped his other leg around Lafayette’s waist, hung on tight with his heels digging into Lafayette’s lower back, hips tipped up so that Lafayette could drive deeper and harder into him, cock hitting his prostate with every thrust. 

“You’re so tight, so hot, baby boy you feel amazing, you’re so good, I love you so much,” Lafayette whispered praise right into John’s ear, hips moving faster and harder, Lafayette’s fingers clamped tight to the base of John’s cock a soft echo of the first time they’d fucked, leather cuff strapped tight around John’s dick to keep him from coming too soon. 

The thought only made John moan louder, heart pounding in his chest, orgasm _right there_ , exquisite pressure that made John squirm and clench his fingers in the sheet, panting hard. 

Lafayette let him go, stroked his hand in time with his thrusts as he started to lose his rhythm, whispers of praise disjointed in John’s ear. 

“Come on baby, come on, come for me baby,” Lafayette panted, and John was gone, spilling into Lafayette’s hand and clenching around him as he felt Lafayette’s hips stutter and still, coming with a loud groan with his cock buried deep inside John. 

John’s heels dug harder into Lafayette’s back, kept him close, rode out the waves of his orgasm with Lafayette’s name on his lips. 

“Love you so much,” John murmured, legs dropping to let Lafayette pull out and stretch onto the bed beside him. 

“I love you too, John.” Lafayette tugged John close, kissed him lazily, and pulled the blankets up over them. “I’m so proud of you.” Kissed John’s forehead, and closed his eyes, relaxing. 

John snuggled close, tucked his head under Lafayette’s chin, felt safe and warm and loved. Drifted on afterglow until Lafayette was asleep and he was almost there, then wriggled free to blow out the candles. 

Tucked himself back into Lafayette’s arms, and fell asleep with hope warm like the summer sun in his chest.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter 10 immediately because it's really short - chapter 11 will be slightly delayed :(

Days went by, and John began to breathe a little easier. 

Life settled into a new routine, and John didn’t think he’d ever been happier, even with everything still up in the air, paused on a half-step. 

Early mornings tasted like frost, sunrise, and Alex’s sleep softened voice. 

John would kiss Lafayette goodbye and run down the stairs, show up at the apartment breathless and rosy cheeked, breakfast in hand, and let himself in. 

Sometimes, Alex would already be up, curled up on the window seat with blankets wrapped around him, staring out the window at the world coming alive, or writing furiously in an old, empty notebook he’d found in John’s cupboard. 

Other mornings, the ones that really made John’s heart feel too large, too full, too lucky, he’d pad into a still apartment, fire down to glowing embers in the grate, no part of Alex visible under the covers. John would crawl quietly into bed with him, kiss him awake, all softness and warmth and smiles and a tenderness that felt so fragile it made John want to hold his breath. 

Afternoons belonged to Lafayette, who still showed up after all these months, every day, to bring John lunch. They took it inside now that it was getting colder, then wandered around the commons, arm in arm, quiet conversation that steadied John, brought him back to earth, reminded him that he was safe and loved and capable. 

Evenings were a toss up. Some, spent showing Alex around, walking through the streets hand in hand, learning how to navigate each other as they navigated the city, feet carrying them aimlessly around and around as they circled closer and closer to each other. 

Some, spent in a pile of blankets and cushions as close to the fireplace as they could get, John naked from the waist up and still too hot, Alex shivering but brave faced as autumn set in for real and nights grew colder and colder. 

Some, spent with Lafayette, out riding, or on the fencing courts, or in bed, surrounded by love, grounded and steadied by Lafayette. 

Alex, still thinking. 

John, not pressing. 

Every day, John relaxed a little more, but some nights he snagged on a loose thought and chased it around in circles until Lafayette had to slap it out of him, tie him up and tear him apart from the outside in just to get at those tangles and set them free, and only then could John breathe easier again, the phantom taste of liquor and desire to give into weakness heavy on the back of his tongue until Lafayette fucked it right out of him. 

Every day, the sun set a little earlier and the air grew a little colder and Alex seemed to grow a little more solid, a little more real, and John held his questions behind gritted teeth and waited, waited, waited.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just the new posting schedule now ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Alex had woken up from a late morning nap with his head in John’s lap, John’s fingers absently stroking his hair as he read a book, relaxed back into the pillows. 

“Read to me?” He’d asked, voice soft and sleep-slow, eyes fixed on John’s face, just taking in the fact that he was here, and he still loved Alex, and he’d gone out of his way over the past two weeks to show Alex that even though he also had his other lover, his love for Alex hadn’t faded one bit. 

It was a revelation for Alex, who was used to good things going up in smoke the moment he got bold enough to try to hold them close. Who was used to fighting and aching and living a life of sharp edges and desperate survival. Who was used to hardship and heartache, not softness and slowness and love that felt as easy as breathing. 

John had smiled down at him, and started to read out loud, voice calm and slow and soothing, just like years ago in a canvas tent, slowly bridging a gap, slowly pulling down walls, slowly settling carefully right onto Alex’s heart. 

Alex closed his eyes, just listened, didn’t absorb a word of what John was saying, just drifted on the sound of his voice and relished the stillness, the closeness. 

Let John read to him for what felt like hours, then twisted a little to nose his way under the hem of John’s shirt, breathe in his smell, feel the soft skin of his freckled belly against his nose and mouth. Kissed him, and felt his belly twitch beneath his lips. Nuzzled him, and felt John laugh lightly. Kissed him again, let his teeth drag gently over the soft flesh. Felt him twitch again, abs tensing. 

John’s fingers in his hair stilled, and he stopped reading, peered down at Alex.

“Alex?”

Alex hummed softly, and looked up at John, mouth open against his belly. 

“…does this mean?” John’s voice, soft and uncertain, heavy question in the air, a choice, a crossroads, a moment there was no going back from. 

Alex pulled back, looked up at John, so open and so full of love, who had done nothing but try to steer them through these first uncertain steps with kindness and understanding. John, who was the best thing Alex had ever been given in his life, not once, but twice. 

He nodded.

“Yes. I’m in, John. I’m all in.” Alex smiled softly, meant it with all his heart.

John stared at him. Closed his book absently and set it aside, opened his arms, silently begging. 

Alex was up in a flash, straddling John’s hips, settling into his lap, cupping his face in his hands. 

“I love you so much, and I know we can make this work, I see it now,” Alex spoke in a rush, thumbs stroking over John’s cheeks, would do anything to keep from being the cause of that sheen of tears threatening to spill over in John’s gorgeous hazel eyes ever again. 

“I love you too, and I promise we’ll work it out. I promise.” John tangled both hands in Alex’s hair, and tugged him down. 

Alex went willingly, kissed John desperately, stroked his hands down John’s chest and tugged at the hem of his shirt, wanted it off, wanted all of John, nothing left between them. 

“Shirt. Off,” he huffed into John’s mouth, tugged it up John’s body as he kissed him deeply, tongues tangling together, never wanted to stop, until John was laughing into the kiss and pulling back. 

“I can’t take my shirt off with you kissing me,” he laughed. 

“Then hurry up,” Alex pouted. Stripped his own undershirt off while he waited, and dove back into kissing John as soon as John’s shirt was out of the way. 

John laughed into his mouth again, and the sound warmed Alex from the inside out. 

Then John’s hands were stroking up his bare back, pulling him closer, hips fitting together, and Alex moaned low in his throat, gave in to wanting John so intensely he could barely breathe around it, knew he’d survive the fall now, knew John was here to catch him, here to stay.

John’s hands settled on Alex’s hips, tugged him down, and Alex ground his hips into John, moaned at the contact, cock filling out in the thin, soft lounge pants he wore. 

“Oh baby girl, I want you so much,” John murmured against his mouth, and Alex moaned in response, stroked his hands all over John’s bare body, touching, exploring, relearning his body properly now that he’d made his decision. 

Alex lifted up onto his knees, shoved his pants down and kicked them off, buried his face in John’s neck and kissed him, licked him, bit down gently and huffed against the soft skin while John shifted, lifted his hips and wriggled out of his breeches. 

Alex kissed to John’s ear, tugged at his earlobe with his teeth. 

“Wanna ride you, wanna feel your hard cock in my ass, want your come deep inside me,” he panted into John’s ear, hands dipping low to stroke loose up John’s cock while he spoke. 

John moaned loudly, cock twitching in Alex’s hands, hips bucking gently up at the suggestion. 

“Yeah? You like that idea? You want me to ride your hard cock? Look at all this, baby, baby, gonna feel you for a week, you’re so thick, fuck,” Alex babbled, a little giddy, a lot turned on, too keyed up to think straight, words falling from his mouth right against John’s ear. Felt John moan against him, felt John’s cock twitch in his hands, felt John’s hips press up, body begging. 

“Yeah, Alex, Alex, please,” John whimpered, and Alex moaned at the sound of all that want in John’s voice. 

“Oil?” Alex pulled back a little, kissed John desperately, watched his face, cheeks flushed and lips parted, hands still stroking John’s cock, fingers light and teasing. 

John twisted, fumbled the drawer open and grabbed the oil out, slicked up his fingers and left the oil on the table. 

“I’m doing it, I wanna do it, wanna finger you open, get you ready for my cock, Alex, Alex, fuck, I want you so bad,” John panted. 

Alex nodded, held himself up on his knees on either side of John’s lap, planted one hand flat on John’s chest, kissed John’s forehead. 

John’s hand slipped between his legs, and Alex shuddered, breath hitching. 

John’s finger tips circled his rim, stroking light and teasing, and he watched Alex’s face, all wide eyes, all blown pupils. 

Alex pressed down against the soft touches, let his mouth fall open and rocked gently against the maddeningly careful, almost reverent way John was touching him. 

“More, c’mon John,” Alex panted. Moaned loudly and let his forehead drop to rest against John’s forehead when John teased the tip of one finger inside him. 

“Shit,” John hissed, pressing in and out with just the tip of his finger, “you’re so tight baby girl.”

Alex slid his hand up into John’s hair, tangled his fingers there and held tight. Kissed John deeply with a moan on his lips as John pumped his finger deeper and deeper, found Alex’s prostate and rubbed against it until Alex’s cock was dripping between them and Alex was groaning loud into the kiss, legs trembling with the effort of holding himself up. 

John wriggled a second finger in alongside the first one, fucked them deep, spread them apart. The stretch made Alex hiss into the kiss, cock twitching. 

“Sorry,” John whispered against Alex’s mouth, backed off a little. 

“No, don’t stop, I like it,” Alex panted back, fucked himself down onto John’s fingers with a soft huff. “Remember when I did this to you?” Alex nipped at John’s lower lip. “You looked so pretty riding my fingers, jerking yourself until you came all over me…”

John groaned loud beneath him, and Alex had to close his eyes for a minute and just breathe, forehead resting against John’s forehead. 

John pumped his fingers faster, dug into Alex’s prostate and made him whine, precome dripping onto John’s cock. 

“Fuck yeah, baby girl, can you come like this? Just on my fingers?” John panted, voice low and rough with want. 

“Yeah,” Alex groaned, rocked against John’s fingers, could feel it building in the tightness in his stomach, “Want you inside me though, wanna come with your cock in my ass, please John.” Wasn’t prone to beg often, but needed John so bad and didn’t want to wait. 

“You ready for my cock babygirl?” John pulled his fingers out carefully, slicked oil up his cock and stretched up for a kiss. 

Alex nodded, kissed John back open mouthed and desperate as he sank down onto his cock, hand tugging at John’s hair.

“Fuck, fuck, baby boy you feel so good, I’m so full, I’ve wanted this for so long, your fat cock stretching me, filling me, can’t wait to feel you come inside me,” Alex babbled, started riding John’s cock, let his head fall back as he panted at the incredible feeling of John’s cock inside him, stretching him, dragging against his walls. 

“Gods, Alex, Alex!” John gripped Alex’s hips tight, fingers digging in, pushed his hips up into Alex, moaned loud when Alex clenched around him. 

Alex planted both hands on John’s chest, rode him harder and faster, leaned forwards until their foreheads pressed together again and groaned deep in his throat as John’s cock hit his prostate over and over again, pleasure coiling tight in his belly.

“John, gonna come, gonna come!” Alex ground down hard on John’s cock, the head digging into his prostate as his orgasm slammed into him, splashing hot ropes of come onto John’s stomach. 

“Oh gods, oh gods, baby girl don’t stop!” John dug his fingers deeper into Alex’s hips, head falling back, panting hard. 

Alex bit his bottom lip against a whimper as pleasure turned to over sensitivity, fingers digging into John’s chest as he continued to ride him. 

“Ah, John, fuck, too much, it’s too much, please come,” He panted, eyes rolling back in his head, cock twitching. 

“Almost there, hang on baby girl, I’m so close,” John slid his hand to Alex’s lower back, steadied him as he rocked up and flipped Alex onto his back, fucking him hard and fast, pressing Alex down into the bed. 

Alex wrapped his legs around John’s waist, tugged him closer, squirmed in the sheets beneath him and choked on a moan that sounded more like a sob as John’s hips slammed into him, sailed right past the oversensitivity right to the edge of a second orgasm. 

Alex grabbed his cock, stroked hard and fast as John’s hips started to stutter, and came again with a wordless cry just as John’s hips slammed deep into him and stilled, come pumping hot into Alex’s hole. 

“Fuck, oh gods, Alex…” John kissed Alex hard, and Alex melted into it, little whimper escaping his mouth, felt suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer depth and strength of his love for John. 

John shifted, pulled out carefully and stretched out next to Alex, catching his breath, silly, open mouthed smile on his face. 

Alex shifted a little, put a couple of inches of space between them and turned his head to grin back at John, panting. 

“We’re doing that again in a little bit, right?” He asked, reaching out to brush his fingers over John’s cheek. 

John closed his eyes, nodded. 

“Yeah. Yeah, definitely.”

“Good, cause if memory serves me right, your ass tastes fantastic,” Alex stretched, felt loose and a little undone and more content than he’d felt in years. 

John’s eyes snapped open and he blushed a brilliant shade of red, and Alex huffed a soft laugh. Leaned in and kissed John’s nose sweetly. 

“You are not blushing after what we just did.”

“Shut up.”


	12. Chapter 12

John didn’t think things could get any better, but then they did.

Alex got a job – insisted, despite John’s protests that he didn’t have to, that he still needed to rest, that John would and could happily support him forever if he wanted – as a palace scribe. Work suited him well, and he blossomed under the routine, seemed to have more and more energy, almost vibrated with it. It was dizzying, and John wasn’t sure he could keep up, but then Alex turned the intensity of all that energy on him, and lit something in him from the inside out, and for the first time in his life John felt almost complete. 

John managed to coax Alex out onto the fencing courts from time to time, and discovered a talented partner. Where Lafayette was stylish and wickedly accurate and talented, Alex was bold and unconventional and ridiculously fast, and made for a challenging but fun bout. 

He could not, however, convince him to get on a horse. 

Days grew shorter and colder, and John dug out warmer clothes for Alex, grateful that they were nearly the same size, especially now that Alex was beginning to fill out again, the sharp edges of hip and collar bones softening, the hollow of his belly beginning to fill in. 

John loved it. 

With the cooling weather and darkening skies, they spent more and more time under the covers, Alex trying to climb inside John’s bones he was so cold, shivering and complaining until John found ways to warm him up until they were both panting and sated. 

One such evening, stretched out in a pile of blankets in the fire, basking in afterglow, John had watched as Alex traced his fingertips over a dark bruise Laf had sucked into his hip bone, fire light playing over Alex’s face, something unreadable in his gaze. 

“Baby girl?” John asked, voice soft, didn’t want to start a fight, hadn’t broached the subject of Lafayette in a while because he’d wanted to hold onto this peace that seemed too good to be true, too fragile to shake. 

Instead of answering, Alex spread his hand out on John’s stomach, and sucked a matching bruise into John’s other hip, then sucked his cock until John was coming down his throat, fingers tangled in his hair. 

“Fuck, Alex…” John stared down at him, could have gotten lost in Alex’s dark gaze forever. “You okay?” 

Held his breath until Alex nodded.

“Yep. Just thought you should match on both sides, that’s all.” Alex chirped back, and closed his eyes, head pillowed on John’s stomach. 

John stroked a hand over Alex’s head and said nothing, didn’t want to rock the boat, didn’t want to push the issue, felt like there was more too it than that, but desperately wanted to ignore it all, for now, and just enjoy the balance his life had found. 

-

“Is it warm enough, in your apartment?” Lafayette’s voice broke through John’s reverie, and he opened his eyes, looked up at Lafayette in the firelight.

“Yeah, I think so?” John stretched, toes pointed, and blinked lazily. They’d spent the day out riding, horses fresh in the crisp fall air, and followed it up with a luxurious meal. Now John was half asleep and content, stretched out along the couch with his head in Lafayette’s lap.

“I was only thinking... we have so much space here, and it is much closer to the palace… your lover could move in here, if he would like.” Lafayette looked down at John and smiled, threaded his fingers into John’s hair.

John’s throat went dry and he stared up at Lafayette with wide eyes.

“Uh…” he blinked, had to shake himself a little. “Maybe you should meet him, first?”

Lafayette’s smile widened, and he nodded.

“I would like that very much, if you think that you are both ready?”

John hummed softly, considering. It was a big step to take, made all of this feel even more real some how, the merging of two totally separate lives into one. His heart skipped a beat, hope and anxiety both, as he tried to picture what life might look like if Lafayette and Alex got along. The three of them, lounging in the commons. The three of them, curled up in front of the fire. The three of them, sharing a meal. Himself, walking through market square with one hand in Lafayette’s hand, one hand in Alex’s hand. Complete. Whole. Loved. It looked like peace, and he felt selfish and ridiculous for wanting it. Of course his two lovers wouldn’t want to spend time with him together…

And what if they didn’t get along?

What if they hated each other, what if they changed their minds when they met, decided they couldn’t share John if this was the person they were sharing him with? What if the fragile peace that his life had settled into shattered?

What if, what if, what if.

“My love, I can see you thinking.” Lafayette commented softly.

John whined a little, and reached for Lafayette’s hand.

“I’m worried. What if you hate each other?” John squeezed Lafayette’s hand, heart beating in his throat, felt like he wanted to hide his head under the covers and never come out in an effort to keep his life just like it was today.

Lafayette gave his hand a squeeze back.

“That will not happen. You know why, John?” Lafayette tugged at John’s hair gently.

“No, why?” John crinkled his nose up, tried to stop the tidal wave of fear in his heart, felt hopeless against it.

“Because he loves you, and I love you. Anyone who loves you, who makes you as happy as he has made you… John I could never hate him. It is obvious to anyone who looks that he cares for you, and that alone is enough for me to warm to him. Besides, even if I hated him, I would not let that get in the way of your happiness, because regardless of how I feel about him, I love you.” Lafayette soothed.

John smiled and sat up, another fear tugging at his heart. He sat back, curled his arms around his knees and stared at Lafayette, felt suddenly small and insecure.

“Okay. But what if… what if you meet him, and you love him and he loves you? What if you love each other more than you love me? What if you don’t want me anymore?” John asked, voice small.

Lafayette sucked in a sharp breath, reached out and gripped John’s chin in his hand, kissed him soundly.

“John Laurens, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say,” Lafayette scolded.

John wilted, closed his eyes and squeezed them shut, held his breath, wanted to cry, needed a drink.

“Look at me, John,” Lafayette’s voice dragged him back, and he opened his eyes, forced himself to breathe, forced himself to meet Lafayette’s steady gaze. “I love you. That is never going to change, no matter what happens when I meet this other lover of yours, no matter how much I like or do not like him, no matter if I hate him or if I grow to love him too, John, you have my heart forever.” Lafayette kissed him again, and pulled him back into his lap.

John tucked his face against Lafayette’s neck, slid his arms around him and clung on tight, forced himself just to breathe.

Lafayette held him tight, arms solid and strong and warm around him.

“You are the best thing to ever happen in my life John Laurens. The very, very best. You’re the second chance I did not deserve, the sun in my sky, all of it, John. I’d do anything for you, and I will never, ever stop loving you.”

John melted into Lafayette’s embrace, his words, the warmth of his love. Felt like a fool for needing to ask, but needed the reassurance so badly. Closed his eyes and basked in it, tried to sit with the strength of it and not feel like he was about to come apart.

“Okay,” He whispered into Lafayette’s neck, hugged him tighter. “I’ll ask him tomorrow. I do want you to meet each other, even if I’m nervous.”

John took a deep breath, and tilted his head to look up at Lafayette.

“Only if you are both ready. I can wait as long as it takes,” Lafayette kissed John on his nose, and smiled softly.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready, Laf, so as long as he’s ready, and you’re ready, then I want to.” John admitted.

“It’s alright to feel nervous, but you have no need to fear that my love for you will disappear.” Lafayette kissed John deeply, and John melted into him all over again. “Shall I show you just how much I love you?” Lafayette murmured against John’s mouth.

John shivered. Nodded. Tugged at Lafayette’s shirt with his hands.

“Please.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all ready for this?

Alex threaded his fingers through John’s as they walked, chin tucked into the scarf wound around his neck, John’s scent in his nose. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to the cold, dreaded the walk from Market Square to the palace when it got even colder.

John gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, and smiled over at him.

“You sure about this, baby girl?” He asked.

Alex nodded, didn’t believe in prolonging the inevitable.

“Positive.” He leaned in for a quick kiss as they walked, stomach tight, fingers cold.

This was the last big step in truly becoming a part of John’s life. Alex couldn’t help but selfishly covet the few weeks he’d had of only sharing in the abstract, yet knew this was important. He was curious, too, he had to admit, wanted to get to know the other half of John’s life, wanted to feel like it all fit together seamlessly, and knew it would be easier for John if they met.

They turned onto Palace Row, and Alex’s heart sank, mouth going dry.

“You guys live on Palace Row?” He tried to keep the tightness out of his voice, the worry, the deep sense of inadequacy in the face of this much wealth. He’d known John had money in a way that didn’t quite make sense for a healer, even a palace healer. It was obvious in the way John threw money around without even thinking about it, in the way he shot Alex quizzical looks when Alex protested over the cost of something, in the fine cut of the clothing Alex was wearing, the fine weave of the sheets on the bed…

But Palace Row was something else entirely. Grand estates with high walls and intricate gates, private gardens and small plots of land out back, huge, sprawling homes that were as opulent as they were elegant.

“Oh, yeah. I miss the hustle of Market Square sometimes, but don’t tell Laf that,” John replied lightly, perfectly at ease, soft smile on his face. He swung their hands between them as they walked, and shot Alex another nervous grin.

“Laf?” Alex’s memory snagged on the name. “Is that… short for something?”

John steered Alex out of the street, nudged one of the grand gates open with a hip and pulled Alex inside. Kicked it closed behind them, and started down the winding cobblestone lane to the front entrance, huge stone columns to great double doors.

“So we live here. The horses and dogs are out back, I’ll show you the gardens later, they’re not as nice as the palace gardens of course but they’re pretty great- huh? Oh, yeah,” John talked mindlessly as they walked, and pushed open the man door next to the larger doors. Stepped inside, pulling Alex with him. “It’s short for Lafayette, why?”

Alex stepped into the manor, and felt like he’d stepped into a trap, blood running cold at the sound of that name.

“That’s uh, a pretty common name up here, though, right?” He asked, heart hammering in his chest.

“What?” John turned to look at Alex, confusion all over his face. He kicked off his boots and nudged them aside. “No, it’s not at all, I’ve only ever met this one. Come on, let’s go-“ and John was turning, holding Alex’s hand tight, dragging him further down the hall and into the manor.

“Wait, John wait-“ Alex started, fear turning his stomach to ice-

“LAFAYETTE! WE’RE HOME!” John shouted, looked equal parts excited and nervous, tugged at Alex’s hand impatiently.

“John, _wait_!” Alex hissed, tugged back, tried to stop, tried to turn back, knew, just knew-

“Alex what’s the matter with you all of a sudden?” John stopped and turned, tried to tug Alex close-

“Alexander?”

The sound of Lafayette’s voice froze him.

There, in the hall, stood Lafayette, staring at him like he’d seen a ghost.

For a long moment, Alex just stared, couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, just stared at Lafayette, standing in the hallway staring back at him, three years and miles of distance between them.

John looked back and forth between them, mouth open, hand still twined with Alex’s hand.

“Wait… you _know_ each other?”

John’s voice shattered the stillness.

Lafayette took a step forwards, and Alex unfroze.

“Oh fuck no, oh fuck this!” No way, no how, not a chance. What were the chances?

Alex yanked his hand from John’s, and bolted.

-

Lafayette watched Alexander bolt as if in a nightmare, hand outstretched, felt like he couldn’t move fast enough, didn’t believe what he’d just seen. Alexander was gone, Alexander was dead, Lafayette had watched him take an arrow through the chest, there was no way he’d survived.

But there he was, for a brief moment, standing right in front of him in the entranceway of his own house, still all sharp edges, sharp voice, sharp tongued.

“Lafayette?” John touched his shoulder.

“But he’s… he’s dead John. He’s dead,” Lafayette whispered, eyes wide, seeing nothing but the look on Alexander’s face as the arrow found its home.

“Laf? Laf. No, he’s not…” John’s voice felt a million miles away. “Laf, Laf, baby I think you need to sit down…” John tugged at Lafayette’s sleeve, peered at him with frightened eyes. 

Lafayette shook his head.

“He’s dead, John he’s dead.” he repeated.

“No… no he isn’t. Laf he’s not dead. Laf, baby, look at me,” John cupped Lafayette’s face with his hands, forced their gazes to meet. “Why do you think Alex is dead?”

Lafayette swallowed hard, stared at John without really seeing him.

“I saw it. The war, John, he’s dead. In the war. I saw- he’s dead.” Lafayette felt cold, knew he wasn’t making sense, couldn’t string his thoughts together, just kept seeing it over and over in his head, that arrow hitting home right into Alexander’s chest. 

“Oh, oh, oh gods, oh gods Laf no, he didn’t die! I healed him…” John’s words stopped Lafayette’s heart.

“…what?” Lafayette felt like he couldn’t breathe. “But… I saw. He died.” 

“No baby. They got him to us in time, arrow in his chest-“

Lafayette didn’t hear anymore. 

He dropped to the floor with a howl of anguish, curled in on himself with his arms wrapped tight around his middle, sobbing. 

“Lafayette!” John dropped to his knees in front of Lafayette, reached out, hands on his shoulders. 

Lafayette shook his head, couldn’t get words out past the sobs, felt like something had been broken open inside him, and oh gods, the way Alexander had looked at him, the fear and shock in his gaze, and all that hurt- 

“Laf, baby, breathe. Come here,” John’s arms wrapped around him, tugged him up, and Lafayette uncurled enough to wrap his arms tight around John’s middle, face pressed to his chest, and sob his heart out. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, Alex isn’t dead,” John held him close, and Lafayette choked on his sobs, couldn’t breathe, caught in the hell of remembering all over again. 

“Go find him John!” He wailed, heart breaking in his chest. 

“Laf I can’t leave you like this…”

“GO FIND HIM!” Why didn’t John see how important this was? Alexander was alive, he was here, he was right in front of Lafayette for a few seconds only and then he was gone and Lafayette knew he couldn’t take losing him twice. Sobbed harder at the thought, pushed at John, tried to get him to go, get up, move, go find Alexander and bring him home safe and sound where Lafayette would spend the rest of his life making it up to them both. 

“Laf-“

“GO JOHN!” Lafayette was shaking, tears streaking his face, sobs tearing through his whole body.

“No. Uh uh, no way. No, Laf. At least let me help you get upstairs, I can’t leave you like this.” John stood up, tugged at Lafayette’s hands. 

Lafayette stood slowly, wanted to curl up in a ball and howl with anguish until Alexander came back. 

“Sitting room. John you’ve got to go find him!” Lafayette let John steer him back into the sitting room, let John help him sit down on the couch and let John tuck him in with throw blankets. 

Curled up and hugged his knees to his chest.

“Go John, please, go find him!” Lafayette sobbed. 

John stood next to the couch, looked torn. 

“Laf-“

“GO FIND HIM!” Lafayette wailed, couldn’t help it, needed to know Alexander was safe, needed to know he wasn’t going to lose him a second time. “Please John, please. Go find him, tell him I’m sorry, please…”

Broke apart. Felt John kiss his forehead. If John said anything, Lafayette didn’t hear it. Gave in and wept into the couch cushion, couldn’t stop seeing the look on Alexander’s face in his mind.


	14. Chapter 14

John couldn’t remember ever feeling so helpless in his entire life. 

He stuffed his feet back into his boots and pulled on his coat. Grabbed Alex’s coat from where it had fallen and tucked it under his arm. Took one last look down the hallway, hated leaving Lafayette, cursed the fact that he didn’t have more than the tiniest touch of mind healing, not enough to do anything useful with, and had to leave Lafayette caught in the grip of a breakdown. 

He stepped outside and shut the door behind him, jogged down the path and slipped out of the gate. 

Picking up his pace, John ran for the apartment, hoping like hell Alex would be there, that he hadn’t truly disappeared, that everything hadn’t just shattered. 

He was out of breath by the time he got there, and felt like he couldn’t breathe as he unlocked the door, took the stairs two at a time, pushed open the second door and stepped into-

An empty apartment. 

“Fuck, Alex!” John cursed, throwing his hands in the air, chest tight with worry. He paced a circle around the apartment. What now? Where the hell was Alex?

At a loss for a better plan, John grabbed a blank sheet of parchment and a quill – how were there suddenly quills and parchment everywhere in here?!- and scrawled a quick note; 

_Alex, if you come back STAY HERE. I’m out looking for you, don’t you fucking abandon me now! I’ll check back here later._

_Love,  
John_

Looked around helplessly one more time, then took off back down the stairs. Locked up behind himself, and headed for Peggy’s infirmary, at a loss of where else to start. 

-

Hours dragged on. 

John came to a weary halt, feet sore, chilled to the bone, despair tight in his chest. He’d scoured the city, and there was still so much of it to search, and he’d seen no sign of Alex anywhere. It was well past midnight now, and John thanked god it wasn’t raining. 

He was exhausted, could barely think straight, needed to go home and check on Lafayette. Needed to stay out and find Alex. 

Dreaded going home and telling Lafayette that Alex had truly disappeared. 

How had everything gone so wrong so fast?

“Oh, Alex, where the fuck are you?” John groaned, scrubbing his hands over his face, swaying on his feet. 

He eyed the bar a couple doors down. Still open – of course it was, down here near the docks. He could sit down for a minute, regroup. Try to come up with a better plan than just aimlessly combing the streets. 

Swallowing hard, close to giving up, John forced his aching feet to move. He stepped into the bar, light and noise and warmth flooding over him, and wanted to lie down right there and go to sleep. He shuffled to the bar, pulled himself up on the barstool. Stared at the bartop, wondered what the hell he was doing, sitting here, when Lafayette was at home in pieces and Alex was who knew where. 

Told himself that one drink would warm him, that a short rest would help him catch his second wind. 

He ordered a shot from the bartender without looking up, and stared into the tiny glass of amber liquid when it was pushed in front of him. 

Lifted it to his lips and threw it back. Felt immediately better as the liquor burned his throat and warmed his guts. 

Hated himself for it.

The bartender slid him another shot glass. 

John swallowed hard. Stared at the amber liquid. Closed his eyes and breathed deep through his nose, tried to steady his thoughts, gather himself. Wanted to give in so badly. Needed the relief, needed not to think, wanted to wake up in Lafayette’s arms with this all a bad dream. 

Picked up the glass. 

“Fuck this.”

Put it back down, dropped a handful of coins on the bar top and stood up, hands shaking. 

_Get a fucking grip, Laurens._

Alex and Lafayette needed him. He needed to do better than this. 

Before he could change his mind, John walked out of the bar, shoulders squared, chin high, looked a hell of a lot more sure than he felt. 

It felt even colder now, and John hiked his collar up around his chin, Alex’s coat still tucked under his arm. He couldn’t have fled the city…

Could he?

Biting back desperate tears, John started walking again. 

He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to hold onto any last bit of warmth, walked and walked and walked and walked. 

Was about to give up and turn back for the apartment when he turned a corner, and there was Alex, huddled into a doorway, bunched up in a ball, and shaking like a leaf.

“Alex!” John broke and ran, skidded to a stop in front of Alex and dropped into a crouch, reached out and put a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “Shit you’re frozen! Alex you scared me so bad, come on, you need to get inside.” John took Alex’s frozen hands, tugged him up to stand, helped him into his coat, all the while Alex stared at nothing, teeth chattering. 

“I can’t,” he whispered, voice flat. 

John stilled, fingers on the buttons of Alex’s coat. 

“What do you mean you can’t?” He asked. 

“Did you know?” Alex stepped back, yanked out of John’s grip, something hot and sharp replacing the dead ice in his eyes. 

“Know what? Alex… Lafayette said to tell you he’s sorry… can I please take you home? We can talk there, where it’s warm?” John reached out his hand, and Alex shook his head, wrapped his arms around himself and took a step back, half done up coat gaping open. 

“He’s sorry. That’s fucking rich, John. I can’t come home with you. I love you so fucking much, but not him. Not. Him. Anyone but him this could have been okay… but not him.” Alex’s back hit the wall and he tightened his arms around himself, looked cornered, looked unhinged. 

“Alex, why not? What happened?” John took another step forwards, wasn’t letting Alex run away now but knew he didn’t have it in him to chase him down a second time tonight. 

“You really have no idea.” Alex laughed a harsh laugh, mean sound that made John’s blood run cold.

“None. Please Alex, please come home, I can’t lose you again,” John’s voice choked with tears, fear gripping him tight in his teeth. He couldn’t lose Alex again, couldn’t watch him walk away. 

Alex stared right into John’s eyes and yanked his shirt open, pointed at that too familiar white scar on his chest. 

“That. That’s what happened, John. He tried to kill me.” 

John’s mouth dropped open. For a long moment, all he could do was stare, gaping, at Alex’s chest, the stark white scar, goosebumps on soft skin. 

Tried to reconcile that with the image of Lafayette on the floor in the hallway, howling in anguish. 

He took another step towards Alex, ignored the frantic way Alex’s eyes darted to the side, body poised for flight. 

“Alex… baby… I don’t think he meant to…” John kept his hand outstretched, silently begging Alex to take it, to meet him halfway, to come home.

Alex laughed, a desperate, broken sound. 

“Sure looked like he did.” Alex pressed against the wall, shaking so hard it was a wonder he was still standing, and all John wanted to do was gather him close, get him home and wrap him up warm, keep him safe. “Sure fucking felt like he did!” Alex snarled, and he darted to the left. 

John just managed to snag his coat, dug in his heels and stopped Alex in his tracks, hanging onto the back of the coat for all he was worth. 

“Don’t you run away on me Alex. Don’t you even fucking think about it.” John yanked, spun Alex back around to face him, ignored the shock and outrage on Alex’s face, and grabbed him by the wrists. “You didn’t see him, Alex, after you ran away like a fucking coward. Is this what you do, when shit gets weird or scary or hard? I thought better of you Alex, you don’t fucking run away. I thought you loved me? Were you really going to leave, just like that? Not even a word to why? Stupid, cowardly, fucking, _asshole_ I could honestly strangle you right now!” John tugged Alex closer, wanted to scream and cry and throw things, gave in to his own fear and anger for a moment. 

“Fuck off John! Your lover shot me in the chest with an arrow! I don’t think this is something we can just work out!” Alex snarled back, tried to yank his wrists out of John’s grasp, but John wasn’t having any of it, held on tighter. 

“Shut up Alex. Just shut up and listen to me,” John said, voice flat, weary. He felt near dizzy with exhaustion, desperate for some sign that this was going to be alright. 

Alex stopped fighting. 

Stood still with his wrists in John’s hands, shaking and shaking and shaking. Looked a little lost, a little angry. A lot terrified. 

“Okay,” He whispered. 

“Thank you,” John whispered back. “Alex… baby… I can’t speak to this-“ John took a chance and reached out, traced his fingertips over the scar. Felt Alex flinch, and closed his eyes for a second. “…but after you took off… Alex I’ve never seen Lafayette react like that, not to anything. He’s so upset, so scared you’d gone again for good, whatever happened, I think we can fix it...” John took a deep breath, looked at Alex’s face, all the fear and pain and uncertainty laid bare there. 

Reached out and cupped Alex’s chin in his fingers. 

“I love you so much. In a way, I’m grateful… because I never would have met you if not for that arrow…” John laughed a little, wet, breaking sound. “He doesn’t want you dead, I promise he doesn’t.”

Alex shook his head a little, wild look in his eyes. 

“He said to tell you he’s sorry. Please baby, Laf’s the kindest person I know… I can’t imagine why he’d kill you on purpose…” John stepped a little closer, stroked the backs of his fingers over Alex’s cold cheek. 

Caught him around the waist when he crumpled, and pulled him tight against himself. Felt his heart break at the sob that ripped from Alex’s throat as he buried his face in John’s neck and clung to him, shaking and shaking. 

“He said he loved me,” Alex whimpered. Sent a bolt right through John’s aching heart. 

All of the pieces clicked into place. 

“He does, he does, Alex he does.” John held Alex tight, eyes squeezed shut, everything too raw, too much. “I don’t know much but I can promise that’s true.” 

Alex just sobbed into his neck, shook his head, hung onto John like he was drowning in something. 

“Shhh, hey, hey, baby it’s ok. Can I take you home now?” John rubbed his hands up and down Alex’s back, tried to warm him any way he could, knew if he was cold, Alex must be frozen half to death. 

Alex nodded against him. 

“Please.”

John pulled back, bent down and pressed a kiss to the scar on Alex’s chest before fixing his shirt and buttoning his coat the rest of the way. Stroked his thumbs over Alex’s wet cheeks and kissed him, breath hitching in his throat. 

“Come on baby girl. You need to get warm.” John wrapped an arm tight around Alex’s shoulders, kept him tucked tight to his side as they walked. 

Alex pressed in close, hugged his arm around John’s waist and let himself be led. 

Grateful they weren’t too far, that John had found Alex in the merchant district and not all the way down at the docks, John guided Alex back to the apartment, guided him carefully up the stairs, peeled the coat back off and helped Alex with his boots, then wrapped a thick blanket around him.

“Let me get the fire going, get into bed Alex, you need to get warm.” John didn’t even think, just dropped his coat over the back of a chair and kicked off his own boots, dropped to his knees in front of the grate and rolled his sleeves up. Set to work starting a fire in the fireplace like he did it all the time, like this was the war and they were back in camp and not home in the capitol where people like John didn’t do things like start fires in fireplaces. 

His hands remembered what to do, though, and he had a fire roaring in the grate before long. 

When he turned around, Alex had disappeared completely, the only sign of his presence the lump under the blankets. 

John smiled softly, and dug the thick down comforter out of the cupboard, spread its heavy weight over the bed before he crawled in next to Alex. Pulled the covers back up over their heads and pulled Alex close.

“I promise we’ll figure it out. I promise. Alex I love you so much, I can’t stand to lose you again, I couldn’t bear it…” John rubbed Alex’s back, trying to warm him. 

“I’m sorry I panicked. I’m scared, but I love you.” Alex whispered back, still shaking so hard, still so cold. 

“No more running away?” John asked. Couldn’t bear it. 

“No more running away,” Alex responded, voice soft. 

“Good.” John hugged him tighter, held him until his skin warmed and the shaking slowly subsided and stopped. Until Alex was sound asleep in his arms, finally warm and safe and relaxed. 

Carefully, John slipped out from under the blankets. Tucked Alex in tight. Hated to leave him, but had to go check on Lafayette. Wrote Alex a quick note- _”Gone to check on Laf. Be back soon. Love you so much.”_

Left the note where he knew Alex would find it, and slipped carefully out the door. 

The walk back home felt like forever, John’s feet protesting every single step. 

He let himself in, paused for a moment and took in the quiet stillness, then padded down the hall and into the sitting room. 

Lafayette was right where he’d left him, sound asleep, his arm dangling off the couch. His face was tearstained, lined deep with exhaustion. 

John had to close his eyes, take deep breaths to choke back tears. Felt himself unravelling at the seams, chest tight, hands shaking. 

He bent down and pressed a soft kiss to Lafayette’s forehead, relief making him weak.

Scrawled a quick note and left it beside the full mug of cold tea on the table. 

Swallowed shame and fear and guilt as he let himself back out into the cold night, trotted down through Market Square, didn’t even think about stopping, and disappeared right into the narrow streets of the slums as the edges of the sky began to turn pink.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at remembering to put notes in when I plan to. 
> 
> Huge huge huge thanks to my wife, one_golden_sun, for listening to me whine about the story, helping me plot wrangle the story, coming up with more genius ways to hurt the boys. This chapter wouldn't exist without her.

Alex didn’t know what to think when he woke up alone. 

He poked his head out of the cocoon of blankets, the apartment warm, fire still going strong – John must have fed it again before he left. 

He lay still for a while, stretched out on his stomach, blinking in the late morning light. Tried to take stock of the night before, and didn’t quite know how. 

Seeing Lafayette again had been a shock. 

Realizing he still loved him so much had been a bigger shock. 

It felt distinctly odd to just sit with the pain. He’d spent the last two years moving so fast, recovering, then going home, then helping his country get back on its feet, then searching and searching and searching… he’d never had the time to just sit with the heavy weight of his heart, had never allowed it time to just breathe and hurt and heal. 

Didn’t really believe in doing that anyways. 

He got up after a long moment, feeling just as strange and uncertain in the apartment as he had that first day. Felt like a stranger all over again, like he didn’t know how to just be, like he didn’t know what to do with his hands. 

Read John’s note, and breathed a little easier, figured he was with Lafayette. Decided he had to just trust, just wait. Hadn’t he said he was all in? Hadn’t he promised? 

Hated being vulnerable. 

Alex huffed an impatient sigh and dressed. Ate breakfast. Stared out the window for a while. 

Sat down to write, couldn’t concentrate. 

Stood up and paced around the apartment like a caged animal, thoughts chasing each other around in his head. What if Lafayette didn’t want him in John’s life? Sure, John said he didn’t hate him, said he still loved him. 

But what did John know?

Subconsciously, Alex rubbed at the scar on his chest as he paced back and forth. 

He sat down again, tried to write. 

Just ended up crumpling up the parchment and chucking it in the fire. 

Stood up again and paced. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. 

He felt trapped. Wanted to leave, but didn’t want John to come back to an empty apartment for a second time. Was trying to think, instead of just reacting on instinct. Had done enough of that, thank you very much. 

Froze when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and turned, ready to greet John, not at all ready to try to unpack this whole thing. 

Frowned when instead of the door opening, there was a knock. 

“John?”

Oh hell. 

Lafayette.

“John?” 

Alex stared at the door, frozen, didn’t know what to do. Backed up when he heard a key in the lock, and the door opened, and he wasn’t ready, and then Lafayette stepped inside and stopped dead, and just stared at him. 

For a long moment, neither of them moved. 

The silence was heavy, so thick Alex was certain he could cut it with a knife. 

Lafayette looked at him like he was seeing a ghost, and Alex just stared back, hand frozen in the open collar of his shirt where his fingers had been brushing his scar again. 

“I thought John was with you?” Alex got his mind working again first, didn’t move to step closer, just stared and stared at Lafayette, poised for flight, nervous and scared and still filled with so much hurt, so many things left unsaid between them, so many angry words left in the night sky so long ago…

“What?” Lafayette shook his head to clear it, and closed the door behind himself. 

Alex’s heart stopped. 

“John. He’s not here.” Alex took a step back as Lafayette stepped forwards, and Lafayette stopped, pain clear as day across his handsome face. He looked like hell, hair scraped back into a ponytail, tired lines under his eyes… 

“He’s not?” Lafayette looked around, then back at Alex. “When did he leave?” 

“Uh… sometime last night, I guess? He was here until I fell asleep, and he wasn’t here when I woke up. He left me a note that said he was going to check on you, and he’d be back soon.” Alex frowned, watching worry play over Lafayette’s face. 

“He was not home when I woke up…” Lafayette looked at Alex again, and held out his hands, palms up. “Alexander… I…” he stopped, and let his hands drop. Looked at Alex helplessly. “We need to find John. I am worried that he is not alright.” 

Alex blinked, and folded his arms across his chest. 

“I’m not going anywhere with you. John’s a grown man, I’m sure he’s fine.” Alex didn’t trust Lafayette, was scared to trust Lafayette. 

“Alexander please- I am sorry for what happened, please believe me, and I would do anything for the chance to try to make things right between us, but right now… John is missing and I am afraid he’s not alright.” Lafayette looked torn, looked a little frantic. 

Alex swallowed hard, had never seen this side of Lafayette, the deep worry, the hurt. 

“Why do you think he’s not okay?” 

“Because, Alexander… I…” Lafayette sighed heavily. “Ordinarily I would not tell you this, it is not my place to share these pieces of John with you… but I am worried and I think he needs our help.” Lafayette stuffed his hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped. “John turns to drink when he is overwhelmed, and when he turns to drink and it’s not enough, he turns to fighting, and I am so scared he’s going to get himself killed.”

Alex swayed a little at the thought of John, drunk and hurt and needing him while he was here with no idea. 

“Why didn’t you come sooner?!” Alex rounded on Lafayette, frustration and helplessness making him lash out. 

Lafayette shook his head, lifted his hands in surrender. 

“I thought he was with you.”

Alex huffed through his nose, grabbed his coat from the chair and pulled it on, stuffed his feet into boots. 

“Okay. Let’s go.” Yanked open the door and looked back at Lafayette, who was still just staring at him. “Lafayette. Let’s go!” 

Lafayette shook himself again, and nodded. Followed Alex down the stairs and out, locked the door behind them. 

“Okay, where to?” Alex tugged his collar up against the wind – why was it always so gods cursed _cold_ here?! 

“This way.” Lafayette started off down the street, and Alex trotted to catch up. Out of Market Square, into narrower streets. Maybe Alex had come this way last night, maybe not, he couldn’t remember. He shivered in the cold, teeth chattering a little. 

Lafayette looked over at him.

“Would you like my coat?” he offered. 

“No.” Alex snapped. 

Lafayette sighed. 

“I did not shoot you on purpose, Alex-“

“Not. Now. Not now Lafayette. I’m not having this conversation with you, not like this.” Alex hissed. Picked up his pace and walked faster so Lafayette had to hurry to catch up. 

“You are still a prickle bush-“ Lafayette started, something like affection in his voice. 

Alex snapped. He whirled around and shoved his finger in Lafayette’s face.

“Don’t you fucking _dare_!” He hissed, voice cracking, glaring up at Lafayette, rage and hurt making him shake. “You have no right. You can’t just pull that nickname back up like no time has passed, like you didn’t drop me when it mattered most, like you didn’t try to kill me, you shot an arrow through my fucking chest you don’t get to _say that_ to me anymore!” Alex choked back tears of anger, and whirled back around, stalked off down the street, had no idea where they were going, just wanted to find John, wanted him safe, wanted him home, wanted this whole mess to just be a bad dream. 

Lafayette caught up with him again, and walked silently beside him for a long moment, cowed. 

“… I’m sorry.” He said, voice soft, low. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Alex hissed back. Couldn’t handle that on top of everything else right now. “Just help me find John. That’s what matters right now. You don’t get to be sorry. You don’t get to call me nicknames and talk to me like we’re friends, lovers, whatever. You don’t get to be _anything_ right now except focussed on finding John, so just shut the fuck up.” 

Kept his hands balled into fists at his sides, eyes forwards, had to focus because he couldn’t come undone right now. Not now. John needed him. 

Mercifully, Lafayette stayed silent. 

After a few minutes, Alex dropped back and let Lafayette take the lead again, didn’t know where they were going. 

The streets turned from cobbles to dirt beneath their feet, and Alex recognized the way to Peggy’s infirmary when they passed her street and wove deeper into the poorer section of the city.

Alex tried not to shiver too much, knew he was being stubborn, knew he was being mean. Didn’t care. 

He hunched his shoulders, tucked his chin into the collar of the coat. Wished he’d thought to grab gloves and a scarf. 

Rounded a corner with Lafayette and glanced around, alert. Didn’t like the look of these streets, the way the bars spilled messy right into the road, the way drunk, angry looking men reeled in the streets even this early in the evening. The way the shadows moved, the way too thin kids eyed his pockets like they might be able to chance picking them. 

This felt more like home. 

Alex picked his chin up, cold air on his neck, let his gaze wander as they walked, and was both glad for Lafayette’s presence, and uneasy because of it. Lafayette stood out. It wasn’t good to stand out, and Alex was unarmed. 

“I hope you’ve got a weapon on you…” He hissed at Lafayette. 

“No…” Lafayette responded, sheepish.

“Oh of all the fucking stupi- nevermind.” Alex swallowed his temper. Tamped it down. Trembled a little with the effort. 

Turned another corner, eyed the raucous bar on the corner, a loud group of drunks laughing out front, and glanced down the side alley opposite. 

Grabbed Lafayette’s arm and stopped. 

“Down there,” he hissed, jerked his head, let go of Lafayette to run down the narrow, alley and drop to his knees next to John’s lifeless form. “Shit, fuck, John, John, come on John!” Alex slipped his fingers to John’s throat, held his breath as he searched out a pulse… couldn’t find it, couldn’t find it-

There.

Sagged with relief. 

Then Lafayette was there too, right beside him, crowded in close, reaching for John, breath catching on a sob of distress. 

“Oh John no, please no.”

“He’s alive,” Alex said, hushed. Stroked his hand over John’s forehead, stared at his purple, swollen cheek, the dried blood at the corner of his mouth, smeared across his nose and upper lip… 

Couldn’t believe he’d gone seeking this. 

Beside him, Lafayette crumpled, John’s cold, limp hand in his hand, tears streaking his face. 

“Hey. Stop it, come on, we need to get him to a healer,” Alex gave Lafayette’s shoulder a shake, then carefully slid his arm underneath John, hated to move him not knowing the extent of his injuries, but didn’t see that they had much choice. 

“Oh gods, he needed me and I wasn’t there…” Lafayette clutched at John’s hand, tears streaking his face. 

“Yeah you’re really great at that aren’t you,” Alex retorted under his breath. Checked his temper, huffed impatiently and reached out, grabbed Lafayette’s chin and forced him to look at him. “You’re here _now_ , and he still needs you, and I need your help. Come on Lafayette, get it together.”

Alex’s heart was pounding in his chest, fear like ice in his guts. John couldn’t die, not now, not after all this. If that meant he had to set aside what was between him and Lafayette for the moment? Then so be it. 

He carefully lifted John’s shoulders off the ground, supported his upper body against his chest. Swallowed hard on panic when John’s head lolled into the crook of his neck, limp. 

Lafayette took a deep breath, visibly steadying himself. 

“I can carry him,” Lafayette reached out, and Alex breathed a soft sigh of relief and nodded. Helped Lafayette manoeuver John into his arms and stand, supported John’s head against Lafayette’s chest, tried not to stare at the shallow, broken way he was breathing. 

The sight of John cradled so carefully in Lafayette’s arms made something deep inside him twist painfully.

Alex shucked off his coat quickly, tucked it around John, hoped the little bit of warmth would help. Just needed to feel like he was doing something.

“Good?” Alex asked, looked up at Lafayette and met his gaze, was caught off guard by how close they were, the open vulnerability in Lafayette’s gaze, John between them. Had to remind himself how to breathe, felt the first stirring of a longing so deep and sharp and strong it made his heart stop. 

“Let’s go,” Lafayette murmured back. 

Alex nodded and yanked himself away, stamped down hard on his feelings, and led Lafayette out of the alley. 

They hurried back the way they’d come, turned down Peggy’s street to the infirmary. 

Alex got the door, ushered Lafayette inside, and stepped in after him. 

Peggy took one look at them, and yanked back the sheets on an empty cot, barking orders to Gideon and Jothan. 

The boys hurried to do as she asked, fetching strips of cloth and warm water, setting bricks to warm by by the hearth. 

“Put him here. What the hell happened?” Peggy pushed up her sleeves, sat down on the stool beside the cot, and waited while Lafayette carefully settled John down onto the clean sheets. 

“The usual…” Lafayette shrugged helplessly, and Alex felt useless, felt like an outsider. Stuck his hands in his pockets and shivered with the cold, watched Lafayette tuck the wool blanket around John, watched Peggy slide her hands under the covers and settle them on John’s chest. Closed her eyes. 

From here, it looked like nothing. 

Alex folded his arms across his chest and waited. Had been on the receiving end of healings enough times to know that a whole lot more than ‘nothing’ was happening, was watching close enough to see the swelling fade from around John’s eye and cheek, the purple bruising fade until it was a faint shadow of what it had been. 

“Alex?” Gideon touched his shoulder gently. 

Alex jumped, and looked over at Gideon, still couldn’t quite get his head around how close to his own height Gideon was now. 

Gideon handed him a warm mug, steam rising from the hot liquid. 

“Cocoa. Come sit down by the fire, you’re going to catch a chill.” Gideon prompted, voice soft but sure. 

Alex let himself be led to an empty cot by the fire, just a short distance away from where Lafayette was hovering over Peggy and John, wringing his hands, looking one half step away from coming completely undone. 

The fire warmed his back, and the cocoa warmed his hands, and it felt so good just to sit down, to know that John was in good hands. 

“Lafayette,” Alex called. Voice soft. Exhausted. 

Lafayette looked over at him, something unreadable in his eyes. 

Alex patted the cot beside himself. 

Lafayette hesitated a moment, looked back down at John, then walked over. He sat down heavily on the cot, left a space between them that was far too big and not enough all at once. 

“Do you want my-“

“No.” Alex stared straight ahead, hands cupped around his mug, watching Peggy with John. Watched his breathing even out and colour return to his face. Watched Jothan carefully tuck cloth wrapped bricks into the bed to warm him. Watched the soft frown lines on Peggy’s forehead smooth and fade as she worked, her breathing deep and even. 

Beside him, Lafayette sighed heavily, and dropped his head into his hands. 

After what felt like forever, Peggy pulled her hands out of the blankets, slow slow slow, and tucked John in properly. She sat still for a long moment, then looked up. 

“He’s alright. It was close, though… much longer and I might not have been able to save him…” Peggy looked at them helplessly, and sighed heavily. “He can’t keep doing this… I’m not going to be able to fix his body forever, and it gets tougher every time.” She paused for a long moment, then stood up as Gideon moved in with the warm water and cloth, carefully cleaned the blood from John's face. 

“He’s alright though. Try to get him to talk to the mindhealers. He needs help.” She tucked her hair behind her ear, and gave them a long look. “Stay here tonight. John needs to rest, and you both look half dead. I was about to close up anyways, so it’s all yours. If you need anything, I’m right upstairs.”

Alex nodded, and stood up from the cot to pad over to John. Gave Peggy a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Thank you. We’ll be okay, and we’ll get you if we need anything,” He said, gave her a small smile. 

Peggy surprised him by pulling him into a tight hug.

“Get him some help. I’m a healer, not a god. One of these days he’s going to throw himself against something I can’t save him from,” She whispered in his ear, voice tight with emotion. 

Alex nodded, hugged Peggy back tight for a moment before letting her go. 

“I’ll try.”

Alex tugged the next cot closer to John’s and sat down, watched John’s sleeping face, faint bruises around his eye. 

The cot shifted as Lafayette sat down beside him. 

“I’m sorry, Alexander…” Lafayette’s voice, all regret, all pain. 

“Don’t.” Alex’s voice, all pain, all exhaustion.

“Alex-“ desperation laced his name on Lafayette’s lips. 

“No. Stop. Just stop. Please.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written to "Thoughts" by Michael Schulte, on repeat. 
> 
> the line: "tonight, this war is easily lost" kills me every time.

Alex woke slow and disoriented. His head was pillowed on something soft and warm, and he wasn’t cold, but he was stiff and cramped. He blinked, sleepily, realized his head was pillowed in Lafayette’s lap and stiffened. Lafayette’s body was draped over his back, arm over his hips, hand resting on his thigh, head pillowed on his hip. 

Alex had to remind himself to breathe. 

It felt better than he wanted to. Seamless, comfortable, easy. 

His heart clenched and twisted and he closed his eyes tight against the pain. 

Across from him, just a short distance away, John looked peaceful as ever in sleep. If not for the fading remnants of the bruise on his face, it would have seemed that nothing was wrong. 

For a moment, everything was still. 

Alex tried to take stock of his heart. Felt distinctly odd doing it, once again. 

Didn’t really want to unpack all of the things being tucked up against Lafayette made him feel – it was a moment of peace they had never gotten before, and he wished with all his aching heart that it didn’t taste so sour on his tongue. 

Lafayette stirred against him, and it broke the spell. 

Alex elbowed him in the stomach unkindly, and Lafayette jolted back. 

Free, Alex twisted and pushed himself up off Lafayette’s lap, glared down at where Lafayette was still wrapped loosely around his hips. 

“Get off me,” he hissed, hating himself for pushing Lafayette away, hating himself for wanting him close. 

That look of sharp pain across Lafayette’s face hurt more than Alex wanted to admit. 

Lafayette sat up, freeing Alex to do the same. As the blanket fell from his shoulders, so did Lafayette’s coat. 

Alex snatched it up and thrust it back at Lafayette, looked away so he didn’t have to see Lafayette’s face. 

“I told you I didn’t want your damn coat.”

Felt Lafayette take it back slowly. 

“Alexander, you were cold. You fell asleep and you were shaking you were so cold… was I supposed to let you freeze to death?” Lafayette’s words were thick with pain and reproach. 

Alex shrugged.

“Yeah I guess.” He stared down at John in the other cot, still sleeping peacefully, tucked in snug and looking almost good as new. 

Wished it was that easy. 

“I do not want you to freeze to death, Alexander I don’t want you dead-“ Lafayette snapped his mouth shut on the last word. 

Alex closed his eyes. Took a deep, slow breath. 

Held his tongue.

“….sorry,” Lafayette whispered. 

“Don’t. Just… don’t talk to me,” Alex snapped. 

He stood up, the infirmary feeling suddenly too small, too close. Paced the length of it, stoked the fire just to have something to do, filled a pot of water and set it to boil. Felt Lafayette’s eyes on him, heavy weight of puzzlement and hurt. 

Paced back down the length of the infirmary, almost wished for the chaos of the camp because at least there would be something for him to do, something to tidy, something to wash. Here, everything was already neat and in order, tidy and clean, and aside from boiling water to mix medications, there was nothing for Alex to do. 

With nothing to do, he just paced. Up and down the middle aisle of the infirmary, didn’t look at Lafayette, didn’t look at John. Felt trapped, felt wide open and just waiting with held breath for it all to come crashing down around him. 

He worried at his lower lip with his teeth as he paced, hands in his pockets, paced and paced and paced until a heart wrenching sob stopped him in his tracks. 

He turned around just in time to see John throw himself into Lafayette’s arms, bury his face in Lafayette’s chest, sobbing like the world had ended. 

His hands shook with the force of his need to go to John, to hold him close, to make it all better again. 

But Lafayette was already doing that. 

So Alex stayed where he was, didn’t know what to do with his hands, didn’t know what to do with his heart. 

Felt all kinds of shattering as he watched Lafayette gather John close, hold him tight, rock him and speak to him in low tones, something practiced and familiar and intimate in their embrace that Alex felt distinctly outside of. 

There was a whole history unravelled there in front of him that he was not a part of, and it hurt more than Alex wanted to admit. 

John whimpered something, too low for Alex to catch, and Lafayette’s head snapped up, eyes meeting Alex’s. 

“No, John, I doubt that very much, but Alex is here, let’s ask him?” Lafayette replied, words meant for both John and Alex’s ears. 

It was an invitation, an olive branch, an open door. 

Alex stood on the outside, trembling with fear and pain, and stared at them for a long moment. 

Then John twisted, looked at him with tears streaming down his cheeks, and he looked like he was drowning in a sea of his own pain. 

“Alex?” John’s voice tugged him in. 

Alex swallowed hard on his own hurt and fear and sat down on the cot beside Lafayette and John. 

“John, baby, what can I do?” He felt so lost, so out of his depth, didn’t know what he could possibly do to ease the pain in John’s eyes, but would have done it, one thousand times over. 

“Do you… do you h-hate me now?” John asked, voice small. 

“What?! No! No, how could I? I love you John, I love you so much. This changes nothing.” Alex reached out and cupped John’s chin in his hand. Leaned in and kissed him softly. Tried not to stiffen at Lafayette’s closeness. 

John shifted, folded himself into Alex’s arms. 

Alex held him close, pressed his face into John’s hair, tried not to think about how close he’d come to losing him again, for good this time. 

“I’m so sorry Alex,” John whispered. 

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” Alex whispered back, because it was. 

“It’s not okay Alex, it’s not. You needed me and I wasn’t there because I’m too fucking weak to keep a drink out of my hand for long enough to make sure you and Lafayette are alright!” John wailed, and he broke down, sobbing hard into Alex’s neck. 

Alex held him tight, eyes closed, felt the cot shift as Lafayette leaned in too, kissed the back of John’s head. 

“Shh little one, it’s alright. We both love you so much. We’re not going anywhere,” Lafayette murmured. 

Alex swallowed anything he might have said at Lafayette speaking for him, because the words were true, and because John needed to hear them. 

“Why?!” John wailed. 

Alex sighed, pulled back a little to cup John’s face in his hands again, made him look. Kissed him sweetly. 

“Listen for a minute?” Wanted to make sure John was paying attention. 

John nodded, and took a shaky breath. 

“Good. I wouldn’t even be sitting here without you, John. You saved my life.” Ignored Lafayette’s flinch. “I love you because you were the first good thing I could believe in. You showed me there was still something worth fighting for in this world. You’re patient and kind and I’ve never met anyone with a bigger heart. John, you bring so much light to my life, how could I ever hate you?” Alex brushed a tear from John’s cheek with his thumb, and looked at Lafayette, eyebrow raised pointedly. 

Lafayette looked like he had a million things on the tip of his tongue as he stared at Alex, but instead, he looked at John, and the way his whole face softened made Alex’s breath catch in his throat. 

“John, my love, sweet thing. I knew I’d love you from the moment I first saw you. You give so much of yourself and never ask for anything back. You are thoughtful and intelligent and fun. You gave me a second chance...” Lafayette looked up, trained that soft, open look on Alex, and Alex wasn’t ready, he wasn’t prepared. “…perhaps even a third, in time.” 

Alex felt like he’d been ripped right open. Didn’t say anything, just met Lafayette’s gaze for a long moment, then tipped his head slightly, helpless. Maybe.

John took another deep, shaky breath, tears calming. 

“Can we go home?” he asked, voice small. 

“Let me check with Peggy?” Alex asked. 

John nodded, and let him go. Shifted back into Lafayette’s embrace. 

Alex stood up, leaned in and kissed John’s forehead. Looked up and met Lafayette’s gaze again, so damn close. Looked away, and walked out the front door of the infirmary. He let himself into Peggy’s apartment, right next door, paused at the bottom of the crooked, narrow stairwell.

“Peggy?” He called, didn’t want to intrude on her space. 

She appeared at the top of the stairs. 

“Hey Alex, come on up. How’s John?” She disappeared again, and Alex climbed the stairs into her small apartment. Old, cluttered, but clean. He stood in the middle of the tiny living area while Peggy finished the last few bites of her oatmeal, and washed her bowl out. 

“He’s alright. I mean… it’s a lot, all of this. But physically, yeah, he’s alright.” Alex shrugged helplessly. 

Peggy turned to him, drying her hands on a dishrag. 

“And you? How are you holding up?” She looked at him with her big brown eyes, really looked at him, and all Alex could do was shrug. 

“It’s a lot,” he repeated. 

Peggy nodded, tossed the towel aside, and closed the distance between them. She settled her hands on his shoulders and leaned in to kiss his forehead. 

“I’ll come check on John, then you guys can get him home. Make him rest today, okay?” She let him go before he could react to her affection, and headed down the stairs. 

-

The walk home was quiet. Lafayette carried John most of the way, and Alex trailed along, feeling helpless and a little adrift. 

When they reached the manor, Lafayette settled John into bed while Alex hovered in the hall, feeling all loose ends, all out of place. 

Lafayette came out of the bedroom and nodded at Alex to go in. 

Steeling himself, Alex slipped through the double doors, padded quietly over to the enormous bed and bent to kiss John softly. 

“Get some sleep John. Love you so much,” he whispered. 

“Don’t go,” John pleaded, eyes searching Alex’s face. “Please, please stay.” 

Alex swallowed hard. Nodded.

“Sleep, baby. I won’t be far.” 

Satisfied, John sank down into the bed, and closed his eyes. 

Alex slipped back out of the room and closed the door quietly. Looked at Lafayette, an ocean of unsaid words and hurt between them. 

“…you can stay. As long as you want, you can stay. There is enough room in our bed for all of us-“

“No.” Alex held up a hand, closed his eyes, couldn’t even begin to stomach that thought. “No. I’ll stay, but I’d like a guest room, please.” 

“Okay.” Lafayette led Alex quietly down the hall, showed him to a guest room that was grander than anything Alex had lived in in his life. “Consider this room yours. If you need anything? Just say the word. I’m going to lie down with John, but please, Alexander… know that you are always welcome.” Lafayette gave him a long look, and left him alone. 

Alex felt dizzy with all of it. 

He closed the door quietly behind Lafayette, and fell face down on the bed, blankets cool on his face. Was beyond grateful for the quiet. Buried his hands in his hair and tugged, wanted to scream, could barely breathe around the heavy emotion in his chest, wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come.


	17. Chapter 17

John woke with his head on Lafayette’s chest, curled around him, holding on tight. He looked up, and Lafayette lowered his book and looked down at him with a soft smile. 

“Good morning little one. How do you feel?” Lafayette put his book down and stroked a hand over John’s head. 

“Better,” John shifted so he could lie beside Lafayette, face to face. Took his hand and threaded their fingers together. “I’m sorry Laf.” Guilt heavy in his chest.

“I know sweet heart. I’m sorry too. Seeing Alexander… it was a shock.” Lafayette responded, giving John’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“Where is he?” John asked, suddenly aware that they were alone and at home, in bed. 

“Don’t fret. He’s here. He didn’t want to stay in here with us, but I put him up in a guest room, so he is close by.” Lafayette looked so sad as he spoke that John could barely stand it. 

“Did you talk?” He asked, still so lost on what had passed between them, had only a few spotty details and the undeniable strength of their reactions to one another. 

Lafayette shook his head. “No. He won’t speak to me, not really.” 

John paused, considering. 

“What happened, Laf? Maybe I can help.” John was tired of being too weak, too tangled up in himself to help. He was tired of going through the motions of living, and felt ready to face everything head on, for real. 

Lafayette just looked at him for a long moment. Then, with a sigh and a squeeze of John’s hand-

“I was a fool, John. That is what happened. I went to war because I had nothing better to do, and fighting for my country seemed honorable. I didn’t know anything about Va’an- how many of us really do, if we don’t go out of our way to learn? I followed blindly, and in doing so was just as bad as those who make the war in the first place.” Lafayette closed his eyes and paused again, then took a steadying breath and continued. “I was scouting when I met Alexander, he was a scout as well, and seeing him… it sparked something in me, John. I saw Va’an as a country with people in it, people who had lives and loves and thoughts just like us, and I wanted to know more. We started meeting each other every night, when we were off duty, but we fought… Alexander thought very little of my reasons for going to war, and he was correct to think that way.”

John watched Lafayette’s face as he spoke, watched the pain play out in his dark eyes, in his voice. He squeezed Lafayette’s hand again, held it tight, didn’t say anything because he knew how hard this was for Lafayette. 

“We fought. He wanted me to come to their side. I couldn’t bear to fight against my friends. We parted with angry words.

The next night, Alexander didn't come. After that, other scouts from the Va’an army came, and they were searching… it sounded like they were searching for me. At the time, I thought Alexander had sent them to capture me. He was so angry when he’d left…”

Lafayette sighed. Closed his eyes. Swallowed hard. 

“The front lines clashed… I had my arrow ready-“ Lafayette choked off his words. Lifted his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and breathed hard for a moment. “Forgive me, John. This is… not easy.”

“It’s okay Laf,” John whispered. 

Lafayette took a deep breath, and started again.

“I was about to shoot when I realized it was Alex, and I wasn’t going to shoot him, but then my arm was jostled and I couldn’t hold the arrow, and it hit him right in the chest, oh gods, John… the way he dropped, and I couldn’t get there… gods…” Lafayette’s voice shook as he trailed off. 

John shifted over, hugged Lafayette tight. 

“Oh Laf. What a fucking mess. I’m so sorry.” John held Lafayette tight, and Lafayette wrapped his arms around John and pulled him close. Said nothing for a long moment. 

“But… now he is not dead. John… tell me,” Lafayette spoke softly, turned to press his face into John’s neck. 

John worked his fingers into Lafayette’s hair, scratched at his scalp. 

“He got picked up when our people were looking for injured soldiers, brought into us as a prisoner of war. They got him to me just in time and I healed him, best I could under the circumstances. He was with us until the war ended, and then they made him go home to Va’an. I came home… you know the rest.” John felt more grateful than ever that they’d gotten Alex to him in time. 

They lay in silence for a long time, just holding each other tight. 

“We’ll get through this Laf. We will,” John murmured. 

Lafayette nodded against him. Took a deep breath and pulled himself together. 

“I’m sure Alexander would like to see you, too… should I go and get him?” Lafayette pulled back, searched John’s face. 

John nodded. Leaned in for a quick kiss. 

“Let me talk to him. He doesn’t hate you, Laf.” John pulled back and let Lafayette slide out of bed. 

Lafayette disappeared out the open door, and John pushed himself up against the pillows so he was half sitting, blankets sliding off his bare chest. He felt awake, felt alive, felt clearer headed than he had in ages, hope beating strong in his heart. 

Moments later, Alex stepped in, and closed the door behind himself. He stood there, looking lost and small and out of place, and John’s heart clenched and he opened his arms. 

“Come here baby girl.”

Alex hesitated, looked around the room, uncertain. 

“Alex?” John tilted his head to the side slightly, brows furrowed. Kept his arms open in invitation. 

Alex padded over to the side of the bed, still looked hesitant, so John reached out and grabbed him by the shirt, yanked him down onto the bed. 

Alex made an undignified sound of surprise and pushed himself up on his hands and knees, staring at John. 

“John this is _your bed_.” He hissed, discomfort all over his face. 

“Oh for gods’ sake Alex. Come _here_.” John reached out again, yanked Alex close, wrapped his arms around him so he couldn’t pull away. 

Slowly, Alex’s tension melted away and he gave in with a huff, stretched out on top of the covers beside John, arm wrapped loosely around John’s waist. 

“I’m sorry, Alex,” John brushed his fingers over Alex’s cheek, watched his face closely. Seeing Alex stretched out next to him in his and Lafayette’s bed warmed his heart, felt right, felt perfect. 

Alex shook his head a little, caught John’s hand in his.

“It’s alright. We’ll get through it John,” Alex leaned in for a kiss, and John melted against him, kissed him back slow and sweet, his hand threading into Alex’s hair. Gave in and just reveled in the closeness for a moment, lips moving over each other, soft huff of Alex’s breath. 

Alex pulled back and kissed John’s forehead, and John smiled softly, squeezed Alex’s hand. 

“Can we talk about Lafayette, Alex?” John watched Alex’s face, watched the shutters slam shut on the open vulnerability that had been there moments before. 

“I… guess we have to, huh?” Alex asked, voice tight, body tense. 

John nodded. 

“We do. I’m sorry Alex, but we do.” John pressed. He leaned in for another quick, soft kiss. “He told me you were scouts on opposite sides, and started to get to know each other… tell me what happened Alex. I want to hear it in your words.” 

Alex stared at him, then took a deep breath. Nodded. 

“Okay. Like he told you, we were scouts on opposite sides. We started to get to know each other – he didn’t really give me a choice mind you. He captured me and sat on me and wouldn’t let me up until I agreed to talk to him. Anyway. How could I not fall for him, John? You know him, you know how incredible he is- seemed, anyways. But he was there for all the wrong reasons and it frustrated me so much… how can you say you love someone and continue to fight on the opposite side of a war from them? How can you agree with their views and continue to do the wrong thing? We fought about it, he said he needed time and I didn’t understand why…” Alex paused for a breath, body relaxing with the telling. “Then I got promoted to officer and pulled off the scout lines. I couldn’t get out to meet him anymore, couldn’t fix it…” Alex sighed, faraway look on his face. 

“…The next time I saw Lafayette was on the front lines in battle, with an arrow aimed right at me. That's where you came in.” Alex shrugged, and fell silent.

John turned that over in his head, comparing two accounts of the same event, and frowned.

“You need to talk to him Alex. You know he didn’t shoot you on purpose, don’t you?” John coaxed. 

Alex’s face went hard again.

“Not what it looked like,” he snapped. 

John sighed. 

“Please… Alex. Just talk to him."


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (this chapter is really short so I'm going to post chapter 19 tonight ;) )

Slowly, things began to return to normal, or something like it. 

Peggy showed up at the door a day later, and dragged John off to the mindhealers. Said she didn’t trust Lafayette or Alex to be firm enough to get him there, and threatened to hit him over the head with something and drag him there if she had to. 

To avoid a scene, John went. 

The mindhealer took one look at him and gave him a verbal thrashing for even thinking about healing while his mind and heart were so wounded, then sat him down.

John didn’t let him inside his head, not that first session, and not for many after. But he talked, and it felt good to talk to someone who just listened, someone he couldn’t hurt with his words, someone who had seen all of this and more before and understood without being in harms way. 

He was pulled off the palace schedule, and scheduled in to see the mind healer daily. 

“This is peacetime, John. The palace can afford to take you off rotation for a while.”

It felt good to start to sort through the pain. To learn to let go. He had new ways to hold Alex close now.

-

Alex tried to move back to the apartment, and John coaxed him to stay every time. It was getting colder, and the apartment was drafty. Lafayette’s home was closer to the palace where Alex worked. There was space. John needed him close. 

One particularly heart stopping moment, Alex had looked at John with his big, honest eyes, and said, 

“John… why do you want me here? You don’t need me. Lafayette gives you all this… I’m just taking up space.” 

John’s breath caught in his throat and he pushed Alex down on to the guest bed Alex had been staying in. Straddled his hips and planted a hand in the center of Alex’s chest, right over that damn scar.

“I need you Alex. I need you _both_ so damn much. I love you, remember? It’s not about what you can give me, it’s not about the money, it’s not about any of that. It’s about you.”

Thought he’d settled the issue. Thought he was clear. 

Kissed Alex until they were both breathless, then rode his cock just like all those years ago, head thrown back, hands on Alex’s chest. 

Slept in Alex’s room with him that night, tangled tight in each other’s arms. 

-

Alex and Lafayette circled each other cautiously, tension palpable in the air, until John wanted to scream. 

They did their best to avoid each other, and John did his best not to interfere, knew they had to work it out in their own time, and the best thing he could do was just let it happen, but it hurt. 

It hurt every time Lafayette offered Alex a pastry, or a piece of fruit, or his jacket, and Alex turned stubbornly away. 

It hurt every time Lafayette touched Alex and Alex flinched. 

It hurt every time Lafayette pushed for too much and Alex snapped and fled, overwhelmed, back to the safety of what was now his room. 

It hurt that they couldn’t just sit in the same room together, all three of them, and relax. 

But slowly, the ice between them started to thaw. 

John saw it in the way Alex cautiously accepted an offered pastry. 

In the way they started staying in the same room together, for short periods of time, if John was there too. 

In the way Alex's face started to soften when he stared at Lafayette when he thought Lafayette wasn't looking, the hostility slowly replaced by curiosity and cautious acceptance. 

In the way Lafayette stopped staring at Alex like Alex was a ghost, and started to relax around him.

In the way Lafayette leaned in to give John a quick kiss when John was cuddled up on the couch with Alex, and Alex didn’t tense or flinch away. 

Slowly, slowly, as fall started to give way to winter, the air inside the house started to grow warmer.


	19. Chapter 19

Alex still felt like he didn’t belong in this huge house, in the midst of all this luxury. 

He jumped every time a servant offered him something, glowered a little at all the little signs of things done for them – fires stoked, hot baths drawn, meals appearing like magic. 

Softened, a lot, when he came across Lafayette’s accounts left out on a desk, and realized just how much he was paying the servants, and, when he realized just from being there, how kindly he treated them, the genuine care he felt for them and their lives as people. 

He padded down the hall late one evening, planning to head back to his room to read until he grew sleepy, but paused at the open double doors of John and Lafayette’s room. 

Not once, not one single moment since Alex had begun to stay here, had those doors been closed. 

He popped his head in, meaning just to say goodnight, but there was Lafayette, stretched out on top of the covers reading his own book, and John soaking in a tub full of bubbles, looking blissful, the fire stoked, and it looked so cozy, so warm, and Lafayette looked up at him with a soft smile, and patted the bed beside him. 

“Come in?” He asked, voice soft. 

So much distance, still. So much still left unsaid. 

So much hurt still in Alex’s heart – but for what?

With a soft sigh, Alex gave in. Tried not to look to hard at the disbelieving happiness on John’s face when he opened his eyes and watched Alex pad into the room, and stretch out across the foot of the bed. 

Alex opened his book, and none of them said anything further. 

The quiet enveloped them, warm glow from the fireplace, soft sounds of John shifting in the water, pages of books turning. 

Alex relaxed, and let himself grow comfortable. Almost forgot where he was until John drained the tub and stepped out, dried himself off and crawled under the covers. 

Alex shifted up the bed, draped himself over John’s lap, in between his legs and Lafayette’s, and continued to read. 

John made a soft sound of pleasure, and threaded his fingers lazily through Alex’s hair, over and over and over again until his hand stilled, and his breathing evened out into sleep. 

Alex paused in his reading and glanced up with a smile at John’s sleeping face. 

Caught Lafayette’s eye, and sighed. 

“Lafayette…” Alex folded down the corner on the page of his book, and closed it. He sat up carefully, crossed his legs, and looked at Lafayette. 

Lafayette closed his book, sat up too, watching Alex closely. 

“John said you didn’t do it on purpose… I mean, I know you said it too, but…” Alex shrugged, lost on how to start this conversation, how to begin to build a bridge over the chasm that had opened between them. Looked helplessly at Lafayette.

“I didn’t. I swear it Alexander, I didn’t. I tried to pull my shot and someone bumped my arm.” Lafayette swallowed hard on the memory, and Alex watched him, turned that over in his head. 

“…I was so sure. I spent so long trying to hate you for it, and never could. Mostly just missed you. John taught me to love again…” Alex picked at a thread on his loose pants, didn’t know what to say, but felt good just talking, just starting to lay the hurt out in the open, to offer it back to Lafayette, who took it, and offered his own back in turn. 

“Did you send scouts out after me?” Lafayette asked. 

Alex frowned. Stilled. 

“What? No! I got pulled from scouting because we were running out of officers – ranks get you killed in battle – scouts went after you? Are you sure?” Alex sat up, anger heating his blood, voice getting louder. 

“Shhh. Let John sleep. Yes, I was at our spot, and I heard them and hid, just in case, and they said ‘he should be here’ like they knew,” Lafayette shrugged. 

Alex’s mouth dropped open. 

“No. No I… no. I would never have. No matter how angry I was, Lafayette, I would never have. Someone must have seen us. I meant to try to get back, and I just didn’t get a chance. I still loved you-“ Alex stopped. Swallowed hard. Looked up at Lafayette. 

“…I still love you.” He finished. Soft. Quiet. 

Lafayette swayed. Closed his eyes for a moment, and opened them again. 

“Do you mean that, Alexander?” He asked, unsure. 

Alex nodded, bit his lower lip, knew that any hesitation in Lafayette’s voice now was his own fault for being so damn prickly the past weeks. 

“I do. I love you, and I forgive you.”

Lafayette let out the breath he’d been holding. 

“I love you too Alexander. I never stopped.”

“Lafayette-“

“Alexander, I-“

“Would you two just shut up and kiss already?”

Alex jumped at the sound of John’s voice, sleep slow and warm, and looked down at him. 

John was watching them both with a soft smile on his face, the perfect picture of contentment, blankets tucked up to his chin. 

“Go on. Stop staring at me you dumbasses.” 

Alex nodded, and looked up, and Lafayette was watching him, and Alex swallowed hard, felt like he couldn’t breathe, like his heart was going to rip right out of his chest. 

Lafayette reached out and cupped his chin. 

“May I?” He asked, voice low. 

Alex could feel John’s gaze on them, felt warm and safe and nodded, swallowing back a soft and desperate sound. 

“Yes,” he whispered. 

Lafayette leaned in, and their mouths met, and Alex couldn’t swallow the soft whimper that time, leaned in and brought his hand to Lafayette’s cheek, kissed him back slow and sweet and full of love, so unlike their first kisses under the stars all those years ago, yet so familiar at the same time. 

It felt like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, Alexander is a heathen who dog ears his book pages. 
> 
> (so am I. Don't hate me.)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fin. 
> 
> In which Alexander acquires a cheesy new nickname because I'm a loser :D

Alex spent the night in Lafayette’s big bed, trading kisses back and forth with Lafayette and John both, cradled in warmth, just gave in to the feeling of being loved and didn’t question it. 

Fell asleep between them, and slept better than he’d ever slept in his life. 

Woke up like that too, John and Lafayette talking softly over his head. 

He stretched up, and kissed John. 

“Good morning baby boy,” He whispered. 

“Good morning baby girl,” John replied, smiling brightly, then gave Alex a nudge and tipped his chin towards Lafayette. 

Alex twisted, looked up at Lafayette, caught his breath at the softness and love in Lafayette’s gaze, directed at him. Lafayette pouted. 

“John has had the privilege of morning kisses from you for weeks now, I think it’s my turn.” He reached out, tugged gently at Alex’s hair, leaned in. 

Alex squirmed up the bed and met Lafayette’s mouth firmly, kissed him deeply, fingers tangling in Lafayette’s sleep shirt. Moaned softly when Lafayette licked into his mouth. 

“That’s some good morning kiss…” John remarked drily, his hand stroking up Alex’s side. 

Lafayette huffed a laugh into Alex’s mouth, lifted his head just a touch. 

“Making up for lost time. You have had him to yourself for too long, little one.” Lafayette leaned over Alex to give John a lingering kiss, and Alex had never felt so loved, so protected, so wanted in his entire life. Glowed a little as he watched Lafayette and John kiss, marveling at the existence of something so perfect, something he could never have even imagined. 

Then Lafayette’s mouth was back on his, kissing him deeply, tongues tangling, and he shifted to press Alex over onto his back in the sheets, cradled against John. Lafayette settled between Alex’s legs, paused only to strip his shirt off over his head before he was back, kissing Alex deeply, making Alex dizzy with want. 

Alex moaned softly, arched up into Lafayette, John’s fingers stroking his hip, felt a little overwhelmed by how good it all felt. 

“Is this okay, Alexander, my starlight, my love?” Lafayette asked. 

Alex nodded, swallowed hard against the welling emotion in his chest. 

“John?” Lafayette asked. 

Alex twisted to look at John, and John smiled, nodded. Slid his hand a little lower to cup Alex’s hardening cock through his thin pants. 

“Never been better.” John murmured, happy. 

Alex moaned at the contact, arched his hips up into John’s hand, tight between his body and Lafayette’s. He stretched up, kissed John deeply. His breath caught in his throat when Lafayette kissed his neck, nipped a little and trailed kisses lower, and John stroked his cock through his pants, kissed him deeply. 

Alex could have drowned in all the touches, all the love. 

Lafayette pulled back, tugged at the hem of Alex’s shirt. 

“You have too many clothes on, Starlight.”

“Starlight?” Alex crinkled his nose at the new nickname, nuzzled John’s neck with a happy sigh. 

“All those long nights, Alexander, you were the brightest star of them all.” Lafayette leaned in and stole a kiss, first from John, then from Alex, then tugged Alex’s shirt up. 

“Gods Lafayette, we’re about to have sex, not write ridiculous love poetry,”

Alex laughed, and squirmed out of his shirt, tossed it aside, reached for Lafayette to draw him closer, and froze at the stricken look on Lafayette’s face. 

“…Lafayette?” Alex asked. 

Beside him, John stilled, looking between them. 

Lafayette’s gaze was fixed on the scar on Alex’s chest, haunted look on his face. 

“Baby?” John reached out, touched Lafayette’s shoulder with gentle fingers. 

Lafayette reached out a shaking hand and stroked a finger down the scar. 

Alex shivered at the touch, eyes wide, watching Lafayette closely. 

Lafayette leaned down, pressed the softest kiss to the scar, and fell apart. 

“Lafayette!” Alex wrapped his arms around Lafayette tight as Lafayette sobbed into his chest, broken, anguished sobs that tore at Alex’s heart. 

“Laf, baby, baby, it’s okay…” John shot Alex a distressed look, eyes wide, and settled his hand on Lafayette’s back, rubbing his shoulders gently. 

Alex closed his eyes, took a steadying breath, held Lafayette tight and held for the first time, the stark truth of how much Lafayette had hurt, how much Lafayette had loved him, this entire time. He pressed a kiss to Lafayette’s head, lips in his hair, and kept his eyes squeezed closed. 

“Shhh, hey, hey. I forgive you, remember? Time for you to forgive you.” Alex murmured, a little shaking, a lot hurting. 

Lafayette shook his head, choked on a howl of despair, and clutched Alex closer, sobbing open mouthed right into Alex’s chest. 

Alex looked at John, who met his gaze, eyes wide, pain reflected there too, and just held Lafayette tight. 

It felt like a dam breaking open. It felt like relief. It felt, in the strangest way, like coming home for good. Alex’s throat was tight with unshed tears, and he could see the wet sheen of tears brimming in John’s eyes too, but they were all here, all together, finally, finally all together, and Lafayette’s tears felt like catharsis for Alex, and he sighed a shaky sigh as Lafayette sobbed his heart out, just held on tight and breathed with it, and let the pain and love wash over him, and it finally, finally didn’t feel odd to just sit with it and let it happen. 

After a time, Lafayette’s tears slowed, and he took a deep, shaky breath, and he looked up and found John’s gaze. 

“Oh my love. You fixed the biggest mistake I ever made,” Lafayette whispered, and he cupped John’s face, leaned in and kissed him with a tenderness that made Alex’s heart stop. 

Then Lafayette was kissing him with that same tenderness, and Alex didn’t know if he could hold such a thing in his hands and not break it, but he knew nothing in his life had ever mattered as much as this, and he knew he would try with everything he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's a wrap kids.
> 
> Or at least, it was supposed to be. There are a few small things that I wanted to explore/address in this verse and couldn't quite work into this story without delving off onto a tangent that I didn't feel actually contributed to the plot, so stay tuned for a couple more shorts in this verse, and then come November, a whole flurry of one-shots posted daily because I will need praise and attention to fuel my soul through NaNoWriMo. 
> 
> Special shout out to my wife, one_golden_sun (GO READ HER WORK) for her help with the plot and her constant love and encouragement.
> 
> Special shout out to the anon who sent in the headcanon about Laf and Alex's scar - that was too perfect not to include and gave me the perfect full circle closure to end the main part of the series on. 
> 
> And, as always, thank you SO MUCH to everyone who read this, commented on it, sent in messages and asks and love on tumblr. You are the best and I love you all so much. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> I live for comments <3


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